Friday, October 24, 2008

Readers, I hate to say this, but today is a very sad day to be an Obama Supporter. Obviously we're all a little mentally unstable, since we're not backing the real American in the race, but it's become painfully obvious that some of us have just plain lost our minds.

Yesterday Ashley Todd, a sweet, decent McCain-supporting college student, was viciously attacked by an Obama supporter. The poor girl got lost while driving around and ended up in a bad neighborhood. She drove by a bank and figured she'd use the ATM, where she was accosted by a large black man. He robbed her, and then spotting her McCain bumper sticker scratched a B (for "Barack") into her cheek.

Naturally, the Republicans are up in arms, and for once I have to agree. I join Drudge and Fox News in condemning all Obama supporters for the act of this deranged man, because with this incident it's obvious we've gone from being irrational America-haters to just plain nuts. Thankfully John McCain and Sarah Palin have already called the poor girl to offer their condolences.

My heart goes out to poor Ashley. In the hours since the attack, it's become evident that she's also suffering some sort of amnesia. She can't explain why she decided to use that dangerous ATM, plus she suddenly remembered that the man might have sexually assaulted her too. But she still can't recall why she thought Pittsburgh's picturesque Little Italy was a bad neighborhood.

Luckily the police have a few clues. They're looking for a dark-skinned black man, 6'4", 200 pounds. He skulks around quaint tourist spots, and examines the bumpers of his victim's cars before he mugs them. He has magic fists, because he can blacken somebody's eye without causing any swelling. He's immune to cold, wearing jeans and a t-shirt in forty-degree weather. And he's probably dyslexic, since the "B" is backwards. You know, like if you'd scratched it into your own cheek while looking in the bathroom mirror.

(Via Gawker and Joe.My.God)

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They think they have a hit with their latest invention, Fungusnickers.

1 comment:

David said...

OK, fungusnickers totally wins for today.