It's not easy being gay in a heterosexual world. Something as simple as turning on the television can be a dangerous thing.

I'm watching TV the other night when a commercial for Everybody Hates Chris comes on. I love that adorable little kid, but evidently he's growing up. "He's headed to high school," the announcer says, "where everything is bigger, everything is better, and in some cases bigger and better." The camera pans across the chest of a particularly busty co-ed, and precocious little Chris' eyes bug out. He barks, "Thank you, Lord!"

We try to play along. What a cute adolescent! And one day soon this cute adolescent will get to touch or lick or suck on one of those milk-swollen boobies -- or whatever the hell the heterosexuals do with them -- and perhaps try to slide a hand between her legs and --

And while all the heterosexuals are sitting there chuckling, we're losing our dinner into the porcelain throne.

Really, I'm startled by how tawdry this commercial is. Pretend you're living in a homosexual world. You turn on the TV to see a gay teen during his first day at high school. He's wandering the field in P. E. class and sees a big-basketed athlete.

"Whoa!" he says to himself. "I think I'm gonna try out for pole vault!"

Three million gays will be chuckling while you're puking your Hot Pocket up.

Tuning into the Olympics was even grosser. Maybe you didn't notice this, but while all the men were clad head to toe in stirrup pants, t-shirts and windbreakers, the women were running around in yarn. Take this young gymnastics champ:



Here's what the folks are saying in a heterosexual household: "What a cutie!" "Ooh, she's adorable." "She sure doesn't look sixteen." "Those Chinese musta fudged the passports."

Here's what they're saying in a gay household. "AIEEEE! MY EYES!" "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING BETWEEN HER LEGS?" "IS IT GONE YET? PLEASE, TELL ME -- IS IT GONE?"

Honestly, we worry about you. You put a preteen on TV with grosgrain ribbon covering her reproductive equipment and think everything's cool. Sorry, folks -- it's disgusting. Just because chicks are innies instead of outies doesn't mean their stuff doesn't have to be properly covered up. We've seen the drawings in Science class, with all those weird gray parts shoved in side-by-side like an Englishman's breakfast. We know what's seconds away. She moves either leg half an inch and we're not just going to see vagina -- we're going to see CLITORIS, and LABIA. We're going to see FALLOPIAN TUBE.

That's when we flip the channel hoping According to Jim is on.

Don't think we've been taking this lightly. We can only lose our lunch so many times before we leap up and take charge. Mark my word, heteros: one day soon, we're going to run things around here. We're going to take over Wall Street and Main Street, and we'll control what's on TV.

Me, I can't wait to design the Olympics. Wait'll you see this guy on the pommel horse.



(Thanks Yet Another Steve!)