Earthlink is one of the biggest lying whores on the internet, and it's impossible to dodge them. If you've got Earthlink email, you've also got a "MyEarthlink" page, which you can customize any way you want except for removing any of the hundreds of square inches of shit.
I'm usually good at ignoring it, but when I checked my email I saw this:
Trash Into Treasure: 5 True Stories
Now, I love good news. I have a lot of friends who troll thrift shops for unrecognized gems, and I figured I could use these stories as ammo to urge them on. And then I read the first:
A guy found a door in somebody's trash. He excitedly dragged it home, cleaned it up, and discovered: IT MADE A REALLY GOOD DOOR.
Yes, it was stunning! It swung on its hinges. It opened and closed! High fives all around! It's a motherfuckin' TREASURE HUNT!
I sat there staring at the story with one small thought in my head: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FUCKIN' TREASURE? Experts didn't appraise his door at $10,000. Museum curators didn't tell him Abe Lincoln used to own the door. No, he found a door, and -- ta-dah! -- he used it as A DOOR. Ain't no treasure here, assholes.
The four other stories are similarly preposterous. The moral of #2 is this: Just Keeping Something Out Of The Dump Is Treasure Indeed. #3 makes us think if this idiot's antique plow was really a treasure, they wouldn't leave it in their goddamned yard. #4 has another door that some lucky soul is using, again, as a door. But #5 tops them all.
After reading the totally anticlimactic tale of a woman who found a miserable old cabinet in somebody's trash, I'd had it. I had to write back. No, not a complaint letter, but a personal note.
Dear Earthlink:
If you think something that stinks like shit and lost its drawers is a "treasure," you have to meet my Uncle Bob.
Regards,
RomanHans
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