In an interview to air August 28 on the National Geographic channel, President George W. Bush defended himself against criticism over the fact that, after being told of the 9/11 attacks, he remained in a Florida classroom reading a book aloud to schoolchildren. "My first reaction was anger," he said. "Who the hell would do that to America? Then I immediately focused on the children, and the contrast between the attack and the innocence of children.

"So I made the decision not to jump up immediately and leave the classroom.

"I didn't want to rattle the kids.

"I wanted to project a sense of calm."

Though this new explanation might not convince the skeptics, President Bush was actually following a long tradition of presidents maintaining a calm demeanor. Anything else, well, just doesn't look presidential. Franklin Roosevelt, for example, was writing a song when got that telegram from Hawaii saying Pearl Harbor had been bombed and our nation had been unequivocally pushed to the brink of war. Whereas the leaders of other nations might have leapt into action, Roosevelt didn't budge his wheelchair until he'd found a rhyme for "bootylicious."

President Herbert Hoover was baking when he received a call on Black Tuesday telling him the stock market had dropped 87% and stockbrokers were hurling themselves out of Wall Street windows. Did he rush into action to provide a stabilizing force?

No. He didn't freak out, and neither did his Bavarian strüdel.

Yes, in hindsight maybe Bush could have found some breathing room between the two extremes. Maybe there was an option somewhere between running out screaming, "OHMIGOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" and continuing to read My Pet Goat to a bunch of eight-year-olds. Perhaps he could have excused himself with something that wouldn't have freaked the kids out, like, "Gosh, I plum forgot: I'm having lunch with a Smurf!"

I mean, kids are trusting. You can pretty much tell them anything and they'll believe it. They aren't gonna say, "Really? And you just remembered this, asswipe?" No, they'll get caught up in the excitement, asking, "Which one? Grandpa Smurf? Smurfette?" Bush could have buoyed the crowd while exiting with some dignity.

Of course, though it's easy to second-guess, I think this new excuse will quiet a questioning public. I think historians will finally agree that the president did the right thing. As all teachers know, you don't want a class to get rattled, because it'd take like $4 worth of juice boxes to fix that shit up.