Dedicated to the motto Ut Prosim (That I May Serve), Virginia Tech isn't your grandma's college. These aren't some namby-pamby, ivy-covered halls where books are read and theoretical ideas bandied about. No, Virginia Tech has adapted to fit our community. With a determined focus on contact sports and the military, it's no wonder violence and aggression figure so prominently in our hallowed halls.

It's no wonder we attract the best gunmen in the U. S.

Whether you have an extensive gun collection or just stare in the windows of pawn shops trying to figure out how to disable the alarms, Virginia Tech is for you. Our lush green landscape will blend perfectly with your camouflage. Every few yards there's another majestic yew tree to provide ample cover, and our rolling green hills are so inviting you might even drop and roll before somebody fires back.

Wander our campus and you'll understand why Virginia Tech gunmen are among the best prepared in the world. These aren't just yahoos that strolled out of Wal-Mart with a six-shooter. Our gunmen have the firepower to take down rhinos, the mental acuity to vanish into shrubbery, and the dexterity to quickly reload. Take a gander at our caliber: with a population of just 30,000 full-time students, Virginia Tech ranked number one in the nation in a survey of anonymous armed gunmen. Of those who aren't killed by police, nearly 100% go straight from our ivy-covered halls to jail.

It's no wonder America's most prominent newsmen fight for the 1,500-page manifestoes hidden beneath those bulletproof vests.

How does a humble school rack up such an impressive record? Virginia Tech benefits from state gun laws that are among the most liberal in the nation. Our local politicians spend more time denying equal rights to homosexuals than questioning whether a man's massive head wound or unmedicated schizophrenia should disqualify him from collecting semi-automatic weaponry.

So brandish that Browning. Wave that Winchester. Cock that Colt! Nobody's gonna stop you until you've squeezed off a few shots and we finally understand that your infrared goggles and laser scope aren't just for plinking stop signs.