I want to get serious here for a moment. On Monday night, David Letterman tackled a very important subject on his show. Bettina Luescher, chief spokesperson of the World Food Programme, painted a bleak picture of current events in Africa. The situation is dire. Due to extreme heat and irregular rain, food is in short supply. In southern Somalia alone, 29,000 children have died of starvation in the last six months. The problem is so huge, Ms. Luescher said, that even the hundreds of millions of dollars they've received in donations are just a drop in the bucket.

My heart sank. It was just too sad to bear. I decided that as the writer of a semi-popular blog, I had to do something. I had to act. I had to implore people all over the world to fight this awful tragedy, which is why I'm sending out this plea:

Can't you all just come on each other's faces?

Really. I mean, let's look at this logically. If you don't have a mailbox, should you subscribe to Architectural Digest? If you don't know where your next meal is coming from, should you buy a Peekapoo? If you live in a small village where your constant companions are malaria and locusts, shouldn't you pull out and jerk off?

It seems like common sense, like bumper-sticker talk. Really, you know, if you're fucking, and you look around and all you see is the shadow of the sickle of the Grim Reaper, can't you just shoot in her hair?

I want to sincerely thank Ms. Luescher, and hope the World Food Programme will continue to speak out about this dire situation. Truly, it has become intolerable. When the death rate soars so unbearably high, we must declare, in one voice, that the time has come to tittyfuck.