Jack Chick was a religious crank who wanted to convert the world to fundamentalist Christianity. He drew up some tiny comic books illustrating God's alleged word and printed them out on cheap newsprint, making them available for free to anybody who'd promise to leave them anywhere heathens frequent.

The Birds and the Bees is Mr. Chick's offering about homosexuality. It's actually quite informative, teaching me that:

1. Heterosexuals have names like Frankie but homosexuals have names like Larry or Charles


2. Just because your teacher doesn't like you calling dudes "queer" doesn't mean they aren't, and


3. God gave Christians big, soulful eyes while saddling the rest of us with little beady ones.

The comic offers a line-drawing pictorial of homosexuality since the beginning of time, though somehow glossing over bellbottoms. In their little section on Job, though, they totally lost me.



See, already this raises a flag with me. Satan controls four cities -- but one is the worst? He's the King of Darkness, after all: why would he have cities with different degrees of wickedness? Is there sodomy and fornication in one city, but in another it's all just slow postal workers and Ziploc bags that you can never get to seal?



Well, I can't really dispute this. Obviously Mr. Chick has put in some time at the Motherlode.



Okay, here's where sense goes flying out the window. In Sodom, the streets are full of homos, all making out and stabbing people. So why's Lot here? I'm picturing him explaining to his in-laws: "Well, you know, the homos aren't so bad, plus it's near the beach!"



ANGEL #1: "You might not mind all these homos, but God does."

ANGEL #2: "You tell him!"

PASSING HOMOSEXUAL #1: "Hey, you smell big, soulful eyes, and fluffy white wings?"

PASSING HOMOSEXUAL #2: "I sure the fuck do."



ANGEL: "Get away, sinner! You shall not put your penis inside me, though I may borrow this Luther Vandross record for a while."


Though it's been slow going, Mr. Chick finally gets to his point. Repent! In the end, God gets his vengeance. Everything he hates is destroyed.


FORNICATOR: "AIEEE!"

THIEF: "MY EYES!!!

SODOMITE: "Why did we not recognize our wickedness?"

SCOOBY DOO: "Ruh-row."