Monday, August 23, 2010

We judgmental people are always on the horns of a dilemma. When, exactly, are our judgments justified? Is that person standing behind us in line at Trader Joe's a complete idiot if they hit us twice with their cart? People who text in the middle of the sidewalk, are they complete idiots? And fat people -- are they victims of biology, or complete idiots?

Pushing me off the fence and into the latter camp was a first-person piece in yesterday's New York Times. Brian Stelter writes of losing weight and making friends tweeting about his diet.

Monday, started w/McD's, cinnamon melts and hash brown, 600 cals/44% of day's fat -- awful, and made me feel ill. -- 6:11 p.m., April 28.

Until last month, I sometimes ordered 2 melts, 2 hash browns -- 88% of day's fat, 100% of saturated fat -- for breakfast. Disturbing. -- 6:12 p.m., April 28.

"You're ruining pastries for me with this Twitter feed, Bri," @andrearosen wrote to me in May, after I regretted a highly caloric Starbucks order.

These posts were not always easy to write. I started counting calories rigorously and yearned to share even more. The fast food industry had stacked the deck against ordinary consumers, and I thought that talking about this in public was a corrective, if a slight one.


I read all of the above to my friend Steve. "This guy is definitely a complete idiot," I told him. "'News flash: fast food is bad.' Did he sleep through every Oprah episode?""

"C'mon, Roman. Do you really think this guy is dumb?"

"Well, . . . isn't he?"

"Wow. Maybe people are right about what your blog name refers to. Dude, the $500 the Times pays for an article wouldn't keep your average New Yorker in bug spray. The only reason anybody writes for a newspaper is to get a book deal."

"No way. Nobody would read a book about -- wait. People really think 'World Class Stupid' describes me?"

"You honestly think in the year 2010 a college-educated journalist would suddenly realize that eating four breakfast items at McDonalds isn't smart? And two months after he starts counting calories 'rigorously,' he suddenly realizes Starbucks frappuccinos ain't carrot sticks?"

"That's why I said he was dumb."

"Dumb, yeah. Dumb like a fox. Roman, he's writing about the number-one problem facing America today: fat. He's using the top trend: Twitter. He's even got an alliterative title: 'Tall Tales, Truth and My Twitter Diet.' He sounds dumb? Well, the best way to make friends is to show people they're smarter than you are. You want to win over the fat crowd? Write about how every time you pass a Dunkin Donuts without stopping you die a little inside."

"I wouldn't touch that crap. Even their muffins are just donuts with bran sprinkles."

"And that's why Brian's got thousands of readers while you've got me and four dudes who Googled 'jamie foxx's dick.' His routine is solid gold. Color him startled -- startled! -- when he discovers that deep-fried Twinkies aren't fluffy spinach. And watch another complete idiot hit the best seller list."

That night I thought long and hard about it. Starting next Monday, I'll be tweeting about my attempts to become a better dresser. I'm calling it: An Average Joe Tweets His Way From Sartorially-Stunted to STUNNING!

I've already written the first week's tweets. Let me know what you think. Okay, maybe I'm totally ripping off Brian, but my tweets will be about clothes while his were about food, so he doesn't have a leg to stand on in court.

Monday, August 30. People have told me for years that I dress badly. Well, today I finally got it. I walked by a Salvation Army and a mannequin in the window was wearing the exact same outfit as me. In my defense, it didn't look half bad, considering it was nearly four dollars' worth of clothes.

Tuesday, August 31. Made it a point to look at what other New Yorkers are wearing. Time to face a cold, hard truth: orange corduroy isn't coming back.

Wednesday, September 1. I got some rude stares on the subway today, so I went home and checked myself out in the mirror. What's wrong with a denim shirt and denim pants? They look fine when Jay Leno wears them. Maybe the denim cuff was too much. Hey, we all just learned something, right?

Thursday, September 2. Took a close look at those polyester pants that I bought from a Readers Digest ad. Even though they never wrinkle, they don't look very appealing. The colors are muddy, and the fabric has the sheen of a Radio Shack beach ball. What a waste of ten bucks. Well, at least I don't have to worry about getting napalm burns on my leg again when somebody jabs them with a cigarette.

Friday, September 3. I hate to admit this, but I went to a Kmart just for old times' sake. As I leafed through the rack of oversized t-shirts with pictures of WWE wrestlers on them paired with phrases like "I got your WMDs!", I realized something vitally important:

All these clothes were crap.

I literally ran out of the store in embarrassment, and scurried all the way home. These were ensembles I'd been wearing for twenty years!

I comforted myself later realizing my experience had a silver lining: I can alert all you readers! Write this down: KMART DOESN'T HAVE STYLISH OR HIGH-QUALITY CLOTHES. Sigh; I feel better now that I've turned lemons into lemonade. Take that, faceless multinational corporation!


On the edge of your seat yet? Totally entranced? Pick up my book in just a month or two and follow along. But if you just flip to my photo on the back cover to see how it ends, well, you know what you are.

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