Eat Pray Love

As of this year, Julia Roberts has made 4,102 movies, and her career strategy has slowly become clear. She specializes in fantasy fulfillment for her peer group. She does everything women her age would love to do, being spectacularly charismatic while she does it.

In her twenties, Julia starred in Pretty Woman. It reassured women that even if they were streetcorner hookers, they could still end up with a gorgeous billionaire.

In her thirties, Julia starred in Runaway Bride. In it, every straight guy in the world wanted her, but she was the one who was afraid to commit.

As women age, though, their desires shrink to a smaller scale, and Julia's movies shrink with them. In "Eat Pray Love" -- at least judging by the commercials -- she doesn't settle down with a rich dude, or reject a whole string of smokin' hotties. No, she eats ice cream that would totally mess up the internal plumbing of women who are lactose intolerant.

If you're a Julia fan, you're probably thinking, "Now that is a fantasy I'd like to see."

You live vicariously through her, basking in the glee on her face. "Ohmigod," she's thinking, "this is amazing! I am so loving this, I don't care if it goes straight to my hips. I don't care if I'm on the toilet from tonight until Christmas. I'm a strong, independent careerwoman, and goddammit I DESERVE EXCELLENT ICE CREAM!!!"

In fact, Julia's main talent as an actress is letting you know exactly how great she feels. While she's eating the ice cream, she's licking her lips, licking her spoon, licking a pigeon that accidentally gets between them. She's making faces, repeating "Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod," staring up at heaven and unleashing her trademark cackle.

We can't take our eyes off her because we're so envious. This is a woman who treats herself to a good time, and really makes the most of it. Hell, I've never looked anywhere near that happy, and I own vibrating pants. When I eat really good ice cream, here's my reaction: "Wow, this is really good ice cream." I don't recall a single morsel of food in all these years that's prompted me to rub my nipples.

If you're thinking maybe this isn't enough to sustain a whole movie, you can put your worries to rest. In "Eat Pray Love," Julie eats spaghetti too. I know all you carb-phobic chicks are going, "Oh no she doesn't! Holy cow, I have gotta see that!" She outdoes herself in this scene. The waiter comes over with this heaping plate of steaming pasta and says, "Heya, pretty lady, you wanta some Parmesan on toppa?" Julia pinches herself like she can't believe a foreigner is offering her additional coagulated milk. Maybe this part is a spoiler, so if haven't seen the commercial stop reading: she does! The commercial cuts away but everybody watching has already guessed: this is gonna be two-cackle tagliatelle.

Anyway, this movie so brilliantly follows Julia's pattern I know it's going to be a smash hit. Julia's fans have passed through the same life experiences that she has, and once again they'll love watching her reenact them with style and grace. Heck, on Friday I'll be there too, laughing along with jealous pleasure, and God willing I'll be there for her next film, when she opens a jar of peanut butter all by herself, then drives across railroad tracks without piddling her pants.