Sometimes I'll find myself singing something without thinking about it, and somebody will hear me and go, "Hey, Roman, what are you singing?" And I'll think for a second and if the song is embarrassingly stupid, which it usually is, then I'll lie and say, "Oh, nothing."

If I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you love
like you've never seen.
Eh-ver seen.

This is one of the stupidest songs that have ever been written. I don't know why it's famous. Clearly somebody dashed it off on a napkin in a bar seconds before sprinting for the toilet. And now we're forever left wondering about dude's problems, which are plentiful.

First, clearly he's got self-esteem issues, because unless you're imagining yourself saving the citizens of Krakatoa, nobody really needs to fly. Pick me up in a Fiero and if you look halfway presentable and got ten bucks for drive-thru, odds are I'll go. No superpower is necessary. Heck, wish for a Cadillac if you got spare time, but even that's not required.

In fact, I'm guessing this little peccadillo would be an insurmountable barrier in our relationship. Because there's two kinds of people: people who do, and people who wish, and he's clearly in the latter camp. I'm picturing him offering to make me dinner some night, and at like midnight I go into the kitchen to see what's keeping him and find him staring at a recalcitrant spaghetti jar and singing about how he longs to have the grip strength of Superman.

Dude can almost get away with the first two lines, but toss in that third line and the creepiness goes into overdrive. If I call some guy and ask him out, and he says, "Where are you gonna take me?" I'm thinking "Into the night" probably isn't top choice. Really, it might be the last thing he wants to hear, and I'm including "Applebee's" and "A pet cemetery in the Bronx" in the list.

Besides, that third line leaves me with a haunting question: what happens if he gets to me before sunset? Is he just going to hover over my head, tapping his watch and waiting? Because, you know, people already stare at me just because I cut my own hair.

Last, maybe it's my reading comprehension, or maybe it's the stupid English language, but I don't know what he means by "show you love." Does he mean fuck me? Hug me? Suck my feet? With my luck, he'd probably just dangle me outside somebody's window, point inside, and go "There!"