Note from ABC/Disney

Dear Mr. Hans:

On Friday I announced that Adam Lambert was banished from ABC because his performance at the AMAs differed substantially from the rehearsals, marking him as a loose cannon in our books. I announced that as responsible broadcasters we need to be aware that some of our viewers don't like gays, and we have to be sensitive to their desire not to see dudes do stuff that God intended for chicks.

As Mr. Lambert's record hit #3 on the charts, though, we decided to rethink this decision. As of today we will allow Mr. Lambert to perform on ABC, but only in pre-taped segments. We originally considered tape delay, but decided we couldn't thoroughly inspect Mr. Lambert's performance and certify it as safe for the viewing public in less than twelve to fourteen weeks.

First, the tape will be shown to an auditorium consisting of local Neighborhood Watch groups, as well as the old ladies on every block who stand outside in their nightgowns and scream at everyone in Italian. These people will closely watch Mr. Lambert to ensure that he doesn't touch any erogenous zones, thus violating Hollywood's Unwritten Rules of Gay Acceptability as determined by Paul Lynde circa 1975.

Second, a quorum of rabbis, priests and rectors will ensure that the performance doesn't violate the standards of a just and decent God-fearing society. This step can be bypassed if Mr. Lambert agrees to be exorcised.

Lastly, the footage will be shown to a roomful of body language experts, to make sure Mr. Lambert isn't expressing unseemly desires through nonverbal communications or spelling out filthy words in American Sign Language.

Please be assured, Mr. Hans, that ABC is not bowing to religious pressure in applying different standards to Mr. Lambert. We have many fine homosexuals working here at Disney, and we don't complain when they bring partners named "Butch" or "Rooster" to company picnics, dragging along children who read books like "I Love My Fourteen Custodial Units." But we're thinking life might be better for unruly gays like Mr. Lambert if they occasionally bowed to their Higher Power by asking themselves:

What Would Tinkerbell Do?

Sincerely,
Anne Sweeney
President, Disney/ABC Television Group