"One morning Mariah Carey wakes up, glances at the empty part of the bed where Nick is supposed to be, and scowls. 'Goddammit,' she swears, as white lip gunk stretches across her pale lips. 'I'm cutting back on his allowance.' She rings a tiny porcelain bell summoning a cadre of maids to the side of her sleigh-style Louis XIV bed. 'Fetch me a glass of fresh-squeezed lychee juice, a Belgian waffle measuring exactly 12"x8"x4" with a scattering of multicolored fruits des bois on it, and a copy of Star magazine,' she tells the maids.

"The maids curtsey and slowly back out, returning minutes later with the requested items. 'I wonder what Star has me doing this week,' she asks aloud. She flips through the glossy pages to the Double Takes section, which compares stars wearing identical outfits and decide who 'Rocked It.' 'Oh, look!' she exclaims. 'There's Candis Cayne wearing the exact same dress as -- '

"'AIEEEEEEEEEE!'

"'I'll . . . SUE!' she screams as lychee juice goes flying onto 8,000 thread count Pratesi sheets. 'I swear to God! I'll sue them for defamation. And by God, those bastards'll never interview me again!'

"And that," concludes Star's Editor in Chief Joe Dolce, "is why we spend $40,000 a month on Photoshop."