Thursday, December 17, 2009

I know Obama is getting a lot of bad press these days, but I for one have to stand up and support him. He's come through on one of his major campaign promises: CHANGE.

CHANGE.

I mean, ask yourself: before he took office, did anybody -- in any public forum -- discuss killing homosexuals?

See? There you go.

Obama's refusal to kowtow to the demands of the homosexual agenda has emboldened free speech in this country, and finally we conservatives feel like it's okay to discuss a topic that before him might have raised some eyebrows. Back when Bush was president, for example, we'd have thought twice about broaching the subject. Sure, we bragged about freedom and liberty and blah blah blah, but we knew deep down we'd get some heat if we talked about shooting homos, so we kept those thoughts to ourselves. But now with this wonderful new breath of fresh air in Washington we're taking the silence of our leader as permission to bring up a question that's long dogging us:

Is it okay if we rape and kill all the fags?

I mean, they're going to start doing it in Uganda, apparently. That's when we first started to guess Obama's change might really take place, because he could have said, "Goddammit, you guys, don't even think about it! We give you half a billion dollars a year, but if you're going to kill homosexuals we aren't giving you a penny!"

Instead he wrote them, like, a little note on pink paper that said, "You shouldn't. No. Don't! Please don't kill the homosexuals." And in Uganda they read it and they were all like, "Oh, okay. We won't." Wink!

The BBC, proud journalists that they are, picked up on this burgeoning movement. "Should homosexuals face execution?" they asked in a poll on their website.

I didn't answer the poll, because being a thoughtful, intelligent man, I realized there could be extenuating circumstances. It should be multiple choice. If a homosexual landscaped my garden, or cut my wife's hair, should he face execution? I don't mind going out on a limb and saying no. But if he said I looked really fit, or touched my knee? Well, of course.

The black metal band Evil Incarnate explores the question with a bit more depth in their song "Killer of Faggots," which they'll be performing Saturday night at Chicago's White Star club. That catchy little ditty offers a selection of homosexual execution methods ranging from shooting them in the head to this fanciful bit of fluff:

Luftwaffa nazi arial [sic] assault
Pounding from air never to halt
Flak 88's and panzer divisions
Bombing the faggots into oblivion.

Obviously this requires serious thought, because if we're talking bombs, then there's probably going to be civilian casualties as well. But I'm thinking maybe somebody could come up with a really tiny bomb that, like, instead of being heat-seeking, just targets dudes wearing cologne. This topic is definitely worth some discussion, and I'll be tuning into Charlie Rose tonight just in case.

Sadly, though, every new freedom seems to have its side effects. Now even the homosexuals are feeling like they can speak up. They've been begging for tolerance for years, and now, in a stunning display of hypocrisy, they're asking us to stop talking about killing them! Can you imagine that? I mean, talk about gall. As their first casualty, in fact, they've knee-capped the career of reggae artist Buju Banton just because of a fun little song he wrote about punching them until they're dead. Now promoters have actually bowed to their extremist demands and cancelled his tour.

It's almost enough to make us patriots reconsider. I mean, we knew free speech wasn't really free, but we didn't realize it'd drive up the price of cocaine.

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

That is completely reprehensible, at least all except the part about little missiles that target dudes wearing cologne. I'd like to order a couple dozen of those, please. Can I get them by Christmas?

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