The tornados that decimated much of the south were certainly horrific, and I feel really bad for the residents. Still, this awful cloud may have a small silver lining, because we can use it to learn something and prevent this kind of devastation from happening again. As so many southern preachers have told us, it's the decadence and debauchery of gay people that prompts bad weather, so we can use this natural disaster to find out exactly where God draws the line on gay folks.

I mean, here in New York, gay people pretty much flaunt their sexuality. We're walking around in shorts and tank tops, with brightly-colored flip flops, maybe wearing fashionable sunglasses. We're chatting on our iPhones. Some of us are walking effeminate little dogs, and a few couples are holding hands. Yet the weather is absolutely gorgeous, which means God is cool with at least a six out of ten on the gay abomination scale.

Obviously, then, the gay men in Alabama and Mississippi must have been doing something far more offensive, ranking at least a seven or more.

Were they fellating each other while pissing on rosaries? Was there outright fucking in the street? Are rescue crews finding lots of guys in studded jockstraps? Were they dipping their dicks in chocolate, then asking bystanders if they'd ever tried a Hershey's kiss? It must have been something really horrendous to prompt such awful wrath.

Anyway, my sympathies with the red state folks, and like I say I hope we can learn from this. I'm even wondering if maybe there's some way to tie the weather report into the gay calendar, to predict adverse weather conditions. Like, a leather bar just opened so expect light showers, or there's a Chuck Norris film festival on TV so we recommend that everyone stay indoors.