“Today, I’m very proud of myself because I’ve accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish,” Mr. Trump told reporters who gathered in an airport hangar. “I am really honored to have played such a big role in getting rid of this issue. Now, finally, the country can move on to far more important topics. Namely, does President Obama have paws instead of feet?
"I'm sure you've all heard the rumors. I've heard from some very dependable, very reliable people that President Obama has paws instead of feet. Not like tiny cat paws, but big paws, big ocelot paws, with a long, sharp claw on each toe.
"Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having gigantic paws instead of feet. They're probably useful in the jungle. I'm sure there are plenty of respectable people who have paws instead of feet, like Joy Behar. But if our Founding Fathers wanted America's president to have paws instead of feet, they would have voted for Rin Tin Tin instead of Benjamin Franklin.
"Frankly, I wouldn't have paid any attention to these rumors, but I started to wonder why the White House wouldn't respond to them. Why didn't they release photos of Obama with his shoes off? I have to say, it looks mighty suspicious. I can't find one single person who knows what Obama's feet look like, and frankly, I find that very, very weird.
"If the President doesn't have ginormous paws instead of feet, it's a piece of cake to prove. He can just take his shoes off in the presence of a certified foot examiner. I wear very expensive slip-ons, and I can take them off in about three seconds. My daughter Ivanka wears shoes that cost eighty thousand dollars a pair, handmade by very tiny cobblers, and she could probably take them off in about eight seconds, although she doesn't like to. So I don't see why the president can't take a few minutes out of his day to settle the matter once and for all.
"Now that I've been wildly outstanding with the President's birth certificate, I think the American people want me to look into this, and I know we'll be phenomenally successful here too. We've got private investigators at several Payless stores in Washington, DC and what they're finding is very, very interesting."
"What if the president does have paws instead of feet?" asked Roger Weeks of the Australian Courier. "Does it mean he shouldn't be president?"
"I'm not saying it means anything," Mr. Trump replied. "I just think, as a New York Times bestselling author, that the American people have the right to know. If they want to put scratching posts in the White House, it's got nothing to do with me."
With that, a black stretch limousine pulled up behind him, and members of his entourage signaled that it was time for him to go. He turned away and boarded his three-car motorcade, each limo emblazoned with the family name and reminding us Mr. Trump had a successful dad.
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