Friday, April 1, 2011

Regular readers know I often chat about turning my blog into a money maker, but so far all my efforts have fallen flat. Today, though, I think I've come up with a workable business plan. I'll find some product that I really like, and I'll write about it, and maybe the company that manufactures the item will send me a small check for giving them some publicity.

Abercrombie Kids has the same hip style as their parent company, Abercrombie & Fitch, but they're aimed at the grade school crowd. What's going to be the hottest swimsuit this year for seven- to fourteen-year-olds? Their new Ashley push-up bikini top.

"What?" I can hear you asking. "Push-up bikini tops for seven-year-old girls?"

Well, that's the perfect age, we say! After all, seven is the new fifteen. It's the age when you teach girls to be kind to animals, be loyal to friends, and start putting some frosting on the devil's cornbread. But let's be realistic: not every seven-year-old looks like Carmen Elektra. Hell, they might not have any breast tissue, and it's a couple of years early to start talking about implants. What's the solution? Abercrombie Kids' Ashley push-up triangles.

Now, it's possible your seven-year-old doesn't realize she's flat-chested. I mean, Dora the Explorer doesn't bring up the topic very often, despite the fact she's a longtime resident of the Straits of Notitty herself. But it's also possible your daughter is ashamed. I mean, what girl wants to bring up her little batch of cupcakes when Mom needs pillars to support her angel food?

Besides, I know you want your daughter to look her best. But picture this: you take her to the beach in a regular swimsuit, and nobody looks at her. She plays frisbee. She swims. She looks at tide pools. What kind of fun is that for somebody who's probably already sexted pictures of herself to Jamie Foxx? Buy your little angel the new Ashley triangles, on the other hand, and watch the difference. "Hey, boys!" this top veritably yells across the beach, "get a load of these sandcastles!"

How does it work? The bra's architectural design pushes all that extra baby fat up and out, so it looks like your little darlin' has a couple little darlin's of her own. Plus, there's a layer of padding built in, because if a girl doesn't have a little something to show off, all the boys will just be staring at her starfish.

So, be a good parent: buy the Ashley push-up triangles. It comes in Rockin' Strawberry Red, Smurfette Blue, and Count Chocublack. Then get the camera ready for when your little princess gets that first sand dollar stuffed into her shorts!

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