I'm increasingly anti-science these days. Evidence keeps mounting that scientists don't use data to come to a conclusion: no, they decide what they want to prove and then they force the data to prove it.

There's that ridiculous "All animals are monogamous" crap. "Scientists" parroted that until, oh, about eight minutes ago, when they finally conceded that nearly every animal fucked anything that moved, including those geese that according to that plaque on your grandma's wall keep the same mates for life. Anybody with a brain realized this was less fact than propaganda, like when Morgan Freeman, in March of the Penguins, says penguins find new partners every year before declaring them monogamous.

Evidently, like Raoul maintains, that means you only fuck one thing at a time.

Recently, another scientific "study" claimed that, because semen contains mood-altering hormones, women who get fucked bareback are happier than women who get fucked with condom-wrapped dicks. Researchers divided women into five groups: regular condom users, usual condom users, sometime condom users, barebackers, and chicks who just can't get laid. They gave the women behavioral tests and discovered the barebackers were happier. Their conclusion?

Yeah, that's right, baby. My hot jizz is gonna put a smile on your face.

The science is absolutely preposterous. Yes, I'll totally agree that women who don't use condoms are happier than women who do. But could this be because -- oh, I don't know -- maybe they're in a relationship, and not desperately humping whoever delivered their pizza that night?

The scientists don't ask if it's the rubbers that are depressing. They don't check to see if maybe women prefer to have naked dicks poked in them rather than things that look like a chihuahua's chew toy. Somehow they make the huge leap to claim it's their actual sperm that creates these happy feelings, leading to this unspoken conclusion to be broadcast to females of earth:

Yo, sweet baby: why you make me wear that dang jockey sock?

We all knew doctors had something wrong with them, with their "You need what I got!" attitude. Sure, maybe it's partially deserved because of their access to oxycodone. But I draw the line at begging for their man-jam. Dudes, I don't need that. Particularly, as the idiot author of the study suggests, up my ass:

"I understand that among some gay males who have anal intercourse," says Dr. Gordon G. Gallup Jr., a psychologist, "it is not uncommon to attempt to retain the semen for extended periods of time. Suggesting, of course, that there may be psychological effects."

Well, there it is! There's the proof! And I totally agree. In fact, immediately after a dude fucks me, I jump up and proceed with my day with that Valium of baby gravy inside me. I go for a jog, try on some shorts at Barneys, and just feel so much happier knowing I'm carrying around an unknown quantity of liquid. I'm not at all worried that in about five minutes I'm going to get that weird ass spasm that usually accompanies tainted tacos.

Note to Dr. Gallup: You're a psychologist. Maybe you should take claims made by your patients with a grain of salt. Or is this strictly a gay thing, where you assume whatever weirdness a gay man tells you is true? Because I doubt you'd give similar credence to a heterosexual nutter who swears by his tin-foil hat.

I'll conclude that it's misogynistic/homophobic weirdness, because their hypothesis is easy enough to test without getting women or gays involved. Since sperm gets absorbed through the skin, why hasn't Gallup checked whether it cheers him up to have some dude's spunk dry on him? Why not have some other "researchers" come on his face and then document his ever-changing moods?

Naturally, those aren't options. Privileged white doctors can't lower themselves to actually testing sperm on themselves: that would be weird, or gay. No, we're the guinea pigs. They're the humble martyrs dedicated to curing our ills.

And if they can do that with a serving of their ball-sack bolognaise, well, then, you're welcome.