This is so cool! I was going to write an angry letter to a local business, but luckily I found a form letter online. It's Form 8701, "Complaints Concerning Exclusionary Holiday Displays." All I had to do was fill in the blanks!

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DeRego Deli
872 Flatbush Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11201

Dear Business Owner:

I've been a customer of your establishment for twelve years, and in that time I've seen your store go through many changes. You've stayed up-to-the-minute in business trends. You've constantly updated your merchandise. You've adapted to fit the styles.

You work tirelessly at keeping your store current. Which is why I was shocked to walk by your store yesterday and see a holiday display seemingly straight out of the Dark Ages.

Our government acknowledges its responsibilities. As America becomes more and more diverse, official publications are offered in the native languages of the emigrants. In New York, for example, you can find voter manuals in 112 different languages! To ignore these potential new customers would be a fatal mistake for a business. Yet that's exactly what your Italian deli is doing.

While years ago a Christmas tree and a menorah would have been a fine, balanced holiday display, now it's sadly passé. A full 12% of Americans are either Satanist, pagan, or heretic, and we too demand equal representation. We want our beliefs to be shown the same respect as traditional Judeo-Christian displays.

On behalf of this segment of the population, then, I'd like to politely request that, next to the little silver Christmas tree and plastic menorah in your window, you display our traditional holiday symbol, Satan's Funeral Pyre of the Damned.

This oversight may not sound like a big deal to you, but let me assure you that it is. Satan's Funeral Pyre of the Damned is fraught with meaning to fervent believers. The weather-dried bones symbolize the rank carcasses of the godless, the scattered piles of dirt symbolize the ashes of the damned, and the thin yellow fluids symbolize the pus of the syphilitic. Our rich tradition has much to celebrate.

I hope you find this letter the impetus to correct your oversight. I look forward to the day I can pass your store, look at your holiday display, and feel the anger, confusion and disgust that constitute the basis of our religious heritage.

I hesitate to think what will happen if you ignore this missive, because without Satanists, pagans and heretics patronizing your establishment, who's going to buy your sandwiches?

Sincerely,
RomanHans