I'm glad Viagra is available by prescription only, because there are some people who just should not have erections.

Anybody who can't afford to go to the doctor, for instance. Really, if you haven't got $75 for an office visit, should you be allowed to reproduce? I'm thinking that terminal softy is God's way of saying that maybe you should stick to video games. Getting a boner would just be setting you up for disappointment, because next you'd be looking for chicks, and I'm thinking even a pillow shaped like a dachshund would have second thoughts about letting a financially-deprived dude fuck it.

Old people shouldn't have erections either. Whoever said an idle mind is the devil's workshop never met a bored old lady whose dentures pop out. Really, have you ever seen a dude over fifty who you wished was hard? When your accountant is doing your taxes and he tells you to check a box, do you reply, "Dude, I'm already checking it!"? When your dentist moves in close and jabs your elbow into his squishy bits, do you really wish he had an hard-on so you could be sure exactly what part of it was ball?

Now, I agree that maybe we don't really need government intervention, because the potential for abuse seems pretty small. I mean, if oxycodone was available over the counter, half of Brooklyn would be at Rite Aid right now. But Viagra? We don't have to pay $10 to get an erection. We can just head to the store and look at Mrs. Butterworth.

Nobody'll give them to their partners for Christmas presents. Hell, we already miss the toilet as is.

In the end, though, I think doctors should be in charge of our erections. Mine certainly is, though it's got nothing to do with pharmaceuticals. There's just something about a man in a clip-on tie.