You know what? I'm old. There. I said it. I'M OLD. And I'm damn proud of it.

I'm speaking entirely subjectively when I say my generation was faaar cooler than the kids of today. Years from now, people will flip through their history books, past the photos of Snooki all the way back to the original LiLo, and they'll say, wow, that was really one of the greatest generations that ever lived on earth.

You want proof? I'll give it to you. Why, back when I was a teen, our talentless stars had fun catchphrases, like "That's hot." I swear, I just watched Kourtney Kardashian give her sister Khloe a bikini wax, and they couldn't even come up with a funny line. "I didn't think your vagina would look like that," Kourtney says. "What'd you think it'd look like?" asks Khloe. And Kourtney couldn't come up with a good reply! I'll bet Nicole Ritchie was throwing wetnaps at her TV and screaming, "A WOMBAT WITH A SNAGGLETOOTH, ya stupid cow!"

In retrospect, my generation looks like Puritans. Waxing your sister's vagina, on television? My God. Hell, I remember having to drive three or four miles to find a salon where I could get my anus bleached!

Kids today just don't have the same values. I remember when a lap dance was a sincere token of affection between a dude and his stripper, not something a tween singer gives to the gay guy who directed her movie debut.

We didn't have flamboyant gay singers simulating oral sex with their guitarists, that's for sure! No, that was something you saved for your sex tape. Back in my day, celebs had to pretend their sex tapes were stolen by burglars. They didn't just phone Hugh Hefner and say, "Hey, what'll you give me for this?" They didn't call Vivid for pointers, then lose eight of them at the same time.

Call me grandpa, but I remember when the world went berserk if your sex tape featured a guy with a big dick! Nowadays even a monkey won't get you that kind of publicity, unless it looks like you're annoying it.

Sigh. I'm laughing now at our innocence. We might as well have walked around in bonnets and said "Prithee" all the time.

So yes, call me a fossil if you will. But I'm a proud fossil. I'm going to steadfastly cling to the values of my generation, and I hope today's generation will eventually see the light and realize this is a good Christian nation that's gone way too far. And maybe, just maybe, the next time a female singer's panties "accidentally" slide over, all we'll see is twat.