Did I miss some news about Amazon.com?  Like, in the last year or two it was taken over by monkeys?  Scratch that:  monkeys have opposable thumbs.  Was it bought out by pillbugs?

It took Amazon four days to get my last purchase to the post office, which made them just slightly slower to fulfill orders than the woman who crochets custom toilet seat covers on Etsy.  Still, it's not like I've got a choice.  I'm boycotting Target. I refuse to set foot in Kmart, having no desire for the fumes of rotisseried hot dogs to lacquer the insides of my nostrils. And there's no Wal-Mart here, because even the city that gave you Donald Trump has some kind of standards.

So, what am I stuck with?  Rite-Aid.  And while Amazon sells the automatic toothbrush heads I need for $21, at Rite-Aid they're $37.

I've always thought their store motto should be, "Hah!  Gotcha!"

Needless to say, I went with Amazon.  And while I was checking out, they offered me all sorts of fabulous opportunities.  If I applied for their credit card, I'd get my order free.  If I joined Amazon Prime for $80, I'd get cheap shipping.  If I paired my purchase with some Stetson cologne and a bale of hay, they'd give me three extra entries in their "Who Wants To Win A Pony?" contest.

And then there was the Subscribe & Save program.  They'd automatically send me replacement brush heads every six months, and I'd get 15% off and free shipping.  Cancel at any time!

I thought for a second.  Free shipping? And "any time" includes "two minutes after I get my order," right?  I was raised by wolves, not idiots.

Three days later, I got this email:

The next shipment of your subscription item Philips Sonicare Elite (E-Series) Replacement Brush Head, Standard (2-Pack) has encountered an unexpected problem. We are working to correct the issue, but your shipment will be delayed.

And once again Amazon has proven that the words "in stock" on their website actually translate to "We haven't seen it since your bedroom was plastered with Mark Spitz photos, but it's gotta be around here somewhere."  They're oddly vague about this "problem," and how long the delay will be. They sound like the guy who comes onstage to tell you the concert will start late without specifically stating that Grace Jones just stuck her head in the toilet because she wanted to see mermaids.

Still, I'm more curious than irritated. When Radar magazine folded halfway through my subscription, they started sending me Psychology Today instead. What could Amazon substitute for toothbrush heads? Mittens? A cactus? I'm tempted to call up and talk to somebody, but I'm thinking I'd probably make a loud noise and then they'd just curl up and roll away.