I don't have the time or inclination to read, so my continuing education comes from television. Obviously it's preposterous to think you can learn anything from "Two and a Half Men," or "Accidentally on Purpose," but the commercials can fill that gap.

Take the recent string of Swiffer ads, for instance. They've taught me everything I need to know about life from their portrayal of household appliances.

Depending on the product advertised, the commercials differ slightly, but basically they fit the same format. A woman buys a Swiffer product and then tosses out an old and useless tool.

ANNOUNCER: Switch to Swiffer [product] and you'll dump your old [product]. But don't worry: he'll find someone else.

The old, useless tool pines for a while, but eventually finds a new partner as the Isley Brothers classic "Who's That Lady?" plays.

While on the surface this might look like just another accusation that kitchen implements are whores, beneath the surface the observant viewer can learn far more.

1. Women need to make sure their cleaning implements are male, as evidenced by the announcer's use of the pronoun "he." Certainly one can understand why this is necessary: no Christian woman would hold a female cleaning implement by the girthy stick and repeatedly thrust her fluffy mop into the floor.

2. When that discarded male implement finds a new lover, what song do we hear? "Walk on the Wild Side"? "All The Young Dudes"? No, "Who's That Lady?" plays. Because while folks in big cities might vacillate, our faithful implements will always remain heterosexual. That's a promise they're not going to make with, say, Hostess Twinkies.

3. At the end of some of these commercials, the discarded tool marries his new girlfriend. Aside from teaching us that even inanimate objects should marry before they procreate, this touching denouement also shows us why smart filmmakers shy away from showing homosexual relationships. Because would the ending have been nearly as heartwarming if the broom and rake were seen driving to Vermont?