"Today, the Anglican Church condones marriages between men and the same for women. The Archbishop of Canterbury is blessing such marriages -- that is similar to dog behavior. At some point, I realised that I was reprimanding blameless dogs and pigs, which are aware that marriage is for procreation. We say no to gays! We will not listen to those advocating the inclusion of their rights in the constitution." -- Dictator Robert Mugabe, in a speech also promising the continuance of polygamy rights in Zimbabwe.

I know a lot of activist gay sites are angry about this Mugabe guy, but I can't help but be impressed. Over there in Zimbabwe, where 95% of the population doesn't have running water, their dogs and pigs know that marriage is for procreation? Wow! That's gotta be bizarre.

FARMER: Hey, Mr. Snuffles, how was your feed yesterday?

PIG: Snort!

FARMER: Is the mud okay?

PIG: Snort!

FARMER: Don't you think that gay people have the right to get married, just like anybody else?

PIG: It's blasphemy! Blasphemy! You're all going to -- Hello, is that a corncob?

I can imagine it makes for some awkward scenes.

FARMER: I had the best pork chop last night.

PIG: That was no pork chop. That was my wife!

Still, I can see some obvious advantages. If the animals are so smart, maybe the government should enlist their help in getting electricity to more than ten percent of the population. How can it fail? I mean, if they accidentally hit an electrical wire, barbecue spare ribs would fall from the sky!

So rather than attack the Zimbabweejuns, I think they deserve our praise. I know what kind of work all those animal marriages must be. I mean, hell hath no fury like my dog Snowflake when I try to put him in an ugly gown. God forbid I sign him up for a civil ceremony. And just imagine the bachelor party! It'd be just like a party at Goldman Sachs, except Snowflake knows he shouldn't pee on the bed.

Last, this answers a question I've long had about Zimbabwe: if twelve percent of their kids are in school, what are the rest of them doing? If Mugabe's got them making Lladro fire hydrants, I gotta say, "You go, girl!"