Wednesday, July 21, 2010

So, a plainclothes policeman tried to arrest DeFarra Gaymon for public lewdness in a New Jersey park, but the arrest went awry. The cop shot and killed him. Four days later, the acting Essex County prosecutor offered the unnamed policeman's account.

It doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'm sure it'll all fall into place when we reconstruct the scene.

UNNAMED PLAINCLOTHES OFFICER: There they are! Gosh, that's lucky. You'd think after five years spent chasing gay men in this park I'd figure out how to run without losing my handcuffs.

DEFARRA GAYMON: Hi. You look so sexy bending down to retrieve those cuffs I had to talk to you. Ordinarily I wouldn't take a chance talking to you, but because of all the plainclothes cops arresting people here there aren't too many hot dudes around. I'm currently masturbating, but I still feel the need to put this into words. Would you like to have sex with me?

UPO: Not a chance! I am a police officer, and you're under arrest!

MR. GAYMON (thinking): Hmm. Since he's 19 years younger than I am, he can probably run faster than me. But maybe I'd have a chance if I pushed him to the ground first. (He pushes UPO, then runs. Aloud:) Catch me now, copper!

UPO (chasing): Stop! Stop! (Thinking:) God, you'd think we'd figure out a better way to do this, since I lost my handcuffs chasing the last guy.

MR. GAYMON: You'll never catch me! And this might sound strange since I'm running away from you, but I'm going to kill you if you get any closer!

UPO: I totally believe you're armed but I'm going to chase you anyway, because public masturbation is just that important. Aha! Now you're trapped. That was lucky. Since lakes are oval, frequently it's hard to corner people around them. Now, put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest.

MR. GAYMON: No! You're not going to handcuff me! (Thinking:) Hmm. I could stick my hand in my pocket and pretend I've got a gun. Or I could lunge at the officer and try to grab his gun. Just to be on the safe side, I'll do both at once. (He does.)

UPO: Ohmigod! I never thought I could feel so threatened by a man whose penis is out. (He shoots MR. GAYMON.)

MR. GAYMON (falling to ground): Oh, c'mon dude! It isn't even dark! You think you can shoot people who are primarily interested in masturbating and running?

UPO: (Pause.) You know this is New Jersey, right?

MR. GAYMON: Damn! I knew I should have moved. Oh well, too late now.

UPO: Sorry, dude. Before you go, answer a question for me. Why didn't you jump in the lake? You know I wouldn't have chased you.

MR. GAYMON: Are you kidding? I'd rather have my secret life exposed and my entire world shattered than damage these sweet threads.

UPO: Gotcha. You know, I gotta say I'm sorry. I've been patrolling this park for five years and I've never shot anybody.

MR. GAYMON: You've . . . what? You've been arresting guys in this park for FIVE YEARS and you STILL can't do it right? God, what a fuckhole. (He dies.)


JP said...

I work in the financial industry and have been following this story from the outset. You could not possibly have summed up my incredulity any better. The series of events provided by NJ authorities is a total crock of shit.

The cop didn't see Gaymon was "engaged in a sex act" BEFORE he bent over to grab his lost cuffs? He only noticed Gaymon *MAY* have been tugging himself AFTER Gaymon surprised him with a sexual proposition?? And how does a 48 year old banking executive overtake a trained policeman, then run faster than the 29 year old officer WHILE yelling death threats at him? Isn’t it fight OR flight? Since when is it both fight AND flight? How does Gaymon try to “disarm” a guy who is pointing a gun at him WHILE simultaneously reaching his hand into his pocket? Who sticks their hand in their pocket to grab a weapon that isn’t the beginning of a fight? Do unarmed people normally make a move for their empty pockets as a fight ensues???

Gaymon was in NJ for his high school's 30th reunion, an event he personally planned and coordinated. He grew up in the area. There's any number of reasons Gaymon might have been in the park. What if Gaymon was was innocently in the wrong spot at the wrong time? What if Gaymon was looking for a tree where he carved “I Jenny” 30 years ago? What if Gaymon was just taking a leak?

What if the officer didn’t clearly identify himself and instead said something more like, “Hey what are you doing over there? Hey jerkoff, I’m talking to you?” When/if the badge came out, Gaymon might have assumed the guy was just someone with a mail-order badge pretending to be an undercover cop. He tells the officer/creepy guy, “Get out of my way you weirdo. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and I don’t think you’re a cop, so F off.”

Spin in Aftermath: "Man Shot Dead In Gay Park Sex Sting"

The Truth: "Indignant CEO Attending High School Reunion Murdered By Cop On A Power Trip"

RomanHans said...

Thanks, JP! I appreciate the comment. You can picture the cops coming up with this ridiculous story:

INTERNAL AFFAIRS: So, did he lunge at you, or pretend he was going to shoot you?

COP: Just to be on the safe side, how about if I say 'Both'?

I totally missed the part about the cop not spotting the masturbating man until he was bending over. Add #47 to the Total Bullshit list.