Dear Diary

Dear Diary:

I spent most of this morning on a pile of dog poop. It was okay. Didn't see anybody I knew. Then I zipped downwind and found this big heap of tangled brown rope. I was having fun just kinda jumping around until some idiot said, "Eww, there's a fly in your hair," and then there were, like, eighty hands, all swatting at me. I ducked out through the back way.

Your pal, Marv

Dear Diary:

Ohmigod, it happened again. It was unbelievable. I'm chilling in this cool, shady place, when I decide to hit the road. I fly toward the light, doing maybe twenty, and all of a sudden I slam head-first into something! It just about dislodges my tiny brain, and I think to myself, WTF? I back up a little and give it another try, and I slam into the fucker again. I swear to God: I can see everything outside, just inches away, but for some bizarre reason I just can't get there. There's like this weird, invisible shield stretched across it.

I musta circled it like a hundred times and couldn't find any way through it. Exhausted now. Will investigate further tomorrow.

Your pal, Marv

Dear Diary:

HALLELUJAH! So, I spend like eight hours banging my head against nothing, and finally I give up. I retreat. I'm flying the other way when I spot this big, sweaty thing lumbering around. It doesn't smell particularly tasty, but it's been a while since I ate. I ain't choosy. I land on it and give it a lick. It's a little clammy, but that don't bother me. Hell, I spent most of 2008 on Abe Vigoda.

So I'm just kinda sitting there when this bright light comes on, and I feel a rush of cool air. Mm, I think. I wanna get me some of that. I fly toward it, getting brighter and cooler with every flap, and finally when I'm in the thick of it I discover something:

THE WHOLE THING IS FULL OF FOOD!

Holy SHIT! I think to myself. This is INSANE! You know, I've heard some pretty crazy stories in my life. Like, my grandpa used to tell us about the time he flew into this little metal room where he just sat around for a couple hours, but when he finally flew out he was TWO HUNDRED MILES AWAY. Took him three weeks to get back home. Needless to say, Grandma was furious. She was sure he shacked up with some tsetse. Still, grandpa NEVER talked about NOTHING like this. It's heaven. Everywhere I look there's another delicacy. It's like a kennel, except everything is cold.

Man, you never seen me so happy. I was moving like I was being swatted by freakin' ninjas. I spot some takeout Chinese and I figure I'll start with that, but the second I land on the box the whole place goes black. I'm thinking, WTF? Still, you know, the darkness ain't stopping me. I swear to God, I musta ate an entire grain of fried rice. Next, I flit over to a plate of fried chicken, and I swear I sat there eight hours. It was tarsus-licking good. Then I stuck my proboscis into a fine little porterhouse. Reminded me of the weekend I spent on Bobby Flay.

Needless to say, Diary, today was one of the best days ever. Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little cold, but it's probably 'cuz all the blood is rushing to my stomach.

Your pal, Marv

Dear Diary:

Some time over the past couple hours I admitted to myself that something was wrong. Sure, the food here is amazing, and I know most flies would kill to be in here. But in between eating I've been looking around, and I'm not sure I can find my way out. It's really dark, and really cold. Every once in a while the lights come on, but before I can get my wings moving everything goes black again.

Hey, I'm probably worrying about nothing. Everything's gonna be okay. I spent last night sleeping on a whole stick of butter, so how bad can it be?

Your pal, Marv

Dear Diary:

All hope is lost. I can find no escape from this place. I'm surrounded by platters of kiwis and pineapples and cantaloupe, but leaving here is fruitless. Yeah, I made a joke, but I'm way too cold to laugh.

I buzz and buzz but no one hears me. I'm now lying on, I believe, some rice pudding. I thought the color contrast would help in case I'm sleeping when that rescue party finally arrives.

Please, somebody hear me. And soon.

Your pal, Marv

P. S. There's couscous!

Dear Diary:

The light came on a couple minutes ago. You know the pudding I'm laying on? It's chocolate.

Love to my maggots.

Your pal, Marv