Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Valentine's Day must be near, because all New York Times stories have turned to thoughts of love.

Here, naturally, my eye was drawn to "all kinds of peculiar sexual activity," since that was my major in college. I nearly clicked through, but then I saw the part about "February's Life-form of the Month." Sure, maybe you think it could be interesting, but you'll see when the calendar comes out.

See these women? The Times says they took a walking tour of the Lower East Side that focused on foods thought to be aphrodisiacs. If you should happen to spot them, then, be aware they are at large and presumed horny. Stay at a safe distance unless you are a trained professional experienced with women who've hit the snooze alarms on their biological clocks forty thousand times. Even if they're wearing Faberge eggs on chains around their necks, it's best to look at the sky and slowly back away, because God knows the awesome scarring power of speckled cleavage.

And in a shoo-in for next year's Pulitzer Prize in investigative journalism, the Times finally steps up to the plate and answers the question we've all been buzzing about for the past week:

What foods make you horny, baby?

Apparently the Times has decided that if magazines like Cosmopolitan can recycle "Make Your Man Explode With Passion!" every month, and Men's Health can reprint "Sexy Abs in Four Seconds a Day!", then they can regurgigate this "Erotic Food" thing every Valentine's Day.

Applying rigorous scientific principles to their research, they break sexy foods into categories. Some foods are sexy because they increase blood flow, like garlic. Some are sexy because they smell good, like cinnamon. Others, like figs and cucumbers, are seen as erotic because of their resemblance to the male and female sex organs.

Which comes as something of a surprise to me, because I've always been a bit embarrassed about the Smyrna I'm packing downstairs.

Some foods are sexy, says Dr. Meryl S. Rosofsky, because they require "sucking and slurping seductively," like oysters. Interesting? No, I didn't think so either. In fact, I'm calling the police right now, telling them to be on the lookout for a brainy-looking chick who's watching kids eat Oreos.

Foods like watermelons and donuts are sexy because, due to nature's odd design, they offer the perfect cavity for penetration.

Okay, the Times actually skipped this category, but I'm more of a stickler for detail.

Amy Reiley, a restaurant consultant and cookbook author, says Mexican food is the hottest, in more ways than one. "Guacamole . . . offers a silky foil to crunchy chips, a cool, slippery and sexy topping for spicy burritos and tamale pies."

I'm reading the highlights to Raoul, my short-time companion, and I slowly find the room heating up. I'm picturing an oversized burrito diving into a warm tamale pie, with a thin layer of guacamole moistening its entrance.

Raoul isn't buying it. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," he says. "Food is food and sex is sex. You're never going to get a man hot by showing him your nachos."

"Well, Dr. Ruth says the most unexpected things can make you horny, because 'the most important sex organ lies between the ears.'"

Raoul rolls his eyes. "Only if your balls are on my neck," he says.

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