Sigh. Today's rant starts about half a mile down.

Okay, TV commentators, SHUT THE FUCK UP already. Yes, figure skating is gay. Who gives a fuck? It's an incredible sport, whether or not its participants wear spangly fringed ponchos. But no, the Heterosexual Sports Police keep yammering away, saying something has to be done. We can't have a gay sport! All those triple-toe-looping homos need to butch it up, because an effeminate sport is a total embarrassment! Like the audience cares. Like there's really butch dudes sitting in the audience going, "I'm not going to throw my congratulatory teddy bear at Johnny Weir: he's just way too gay!" Well, here's a question for the Heterosexual Sports Police: Which is gayer: figure skating or football?
	Figure Skating	Football
Description	Popular winter sport	A game of inches
Objective	Stellar performance	Penetrate the end zone
Preparation	Skate a lot	Lift weights in tiny shorts while your partner screams "PUSH IT! PUSH IT!"
Uniform	Leather, spandex	Cutoff shirts with shoulder pads
Title holders	John Curry, Viktor Petrenko	Packers, Bears
Popular moves	Lutz, Salchow, Axel	Touchback, Hail Mary, Quick kick
Common mistakes	Falling	Having too much motion in your backfield
Makeup	Maybe a little mascara	Chunky wedge of Maybelline at top of cheekbones
What you do after a good performance	Cheer	Dance with ball
Typical conversation between athletes	"That quadruple loop was massive!" "Thanks!"	"I'm going to make a pass at you!" "I'll be waiting with open arms!"
And in the end:	Smitten teenage girls throw flowers	Time to hit the shower, girlfriend!