Monday, February 22, 2010

Sigh. Today's rant starts about half a mile down.

Okay, TV commentators, SHUT THE FUCK UP already. Yes, figure skating is gay. Who gives a fuck? It's an incredible sport, whether or not its participants wear spangly fringed ponchos. But no, the Heterosexual Sports Police keep yammering away, saying something has to be done. We can't have a gay sport! All those triple-toe-looping homos need to butch it up, because an effeminate sport is a total embarrassment!

Like the audience cares. Like there's really butch dudes sitting in the audience going, "I'm not going to throw my congratulatory teddy bear at Johnny Weir: he's just way too gay!"

Well, here's a question for the Heterosexual Sports Police:

Which is gayer: figure skating or football?

Figure SkatingFootball
DescriptionPopular winter sportA game of inches
ObjectiveStellar performancePenetrate the end zone
PreparationSkate a lotLift weights in tiny shorts while your partner screams "PUSH IT! PUSH IT!"
UniformLeather, spandexCutoff shirts with shoulder pads
Title holdersJohn Curry, Viktor PetrenkoPackers, Bears
Popular movesLutz, Salchow, AxelTouchback, Hail Mary, Quick kick
Common mistakesFallingHaving too much motion in your backfield
MakeupMaybe a little mascaraChunky wedge of Maybelline at top of cheekbones
What you do after a good performanceCheerDance with ball
Typical conversation between athletes"That quadruple loop was massive!"
"I'm going to make a pass at you!"
"I'll be waiting with open arms!"
And in the end:Smitten teenage girls throw flowersTime to hit the shower, girlfriend!


David said...

While your comparative chart seems a bit skewed, I do agree with the general sentiment.

Yet Another Steve said...

I do wish the commentators would just shut the hell up when there's nothing to say. Watching the ice dance compulsories last night, I thought what a good drinking game it would have made if one were to down a shot of tequila every time Tracy whatserface said "twizzlers." Is that the only move she knows about? EVERY GOD DAMN DANCE had her pop in at some time or another to share such gems as "They've had trouble with their twizzlers all season." Um, could we save that for later, in case they DON'T have trouble with them during the actual performance, which the rest of us are trying to watch right now, thank you?

PS - my "verification word" for this is UNHAG. Obviously the gods agree with me on this one.