Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Short Personal Note

A lot of my fans write to me and say, "Hey, Roman, you look so hot in that photograph.  Is that really you?"  And I say, yes, it certainly is.  In fact, I'm even better looking now.  I've been watching my diet so now you can see even more of my ribs, and when I inhale my abs are totally defined. Hell, I weighed more than this when I was a Cub Scout, and now I can shop at Baby Gap. So SUCK THAT, FATTY! If you watch what you eat and were born with amazing genes you don't need to exercise.

Meanwhile, mutual friends tell me that my ex has gained five pounds. Sob. I miss him so much! I love him so much! NOT! Roman's no chubby chaser. I'm not eating dinner with a dude who looks like he's saving food in an extra chin. Stuffing muffins in your face to forget what you used to have, Marvin? That's too bad. It's unfortunate it didn't work out between us, Marvin. Wait: I mean, SUCK ON THIS, FATTY!

Also, a lot of times people ask me how I manage to have it all. I'm usually way too busy to think about it, but when I do I really am startled by how far I've come.  I own my own condominium, in a very desirable part of town. My blog is incredibly popular, and frequently it takes me to some of the hottest events in New York. Famous celebrities (who I'll do the honor of leaving anonymous) read me on a daily basis. I'm making quite a name for myself in the blogging field. And I'm only 26! Yes, I know, you've got all this too, but you're twenty-nine. That's pretty good. That's impressive. Yawn. Well, I tried! SUCK ON THIS, BEE-YOTCH!

What's really ridiculous, then, is that I'm single. I guess it's because my standards are so high. I mean, maybe I could amuse myself with a man who wasn't as great as me, but he could satisfy me for a lifetime. God, the men I meet are so shallow and trivial, I can hardly stand reading their tweets.

When I finally meet a man who interests me, he never asks me on a second date. I guess I'm too intimidating. They don't have enough self-confidence, so they feel like nothing in my shadow, or they get intimidated by how much I've accomplished in such a short period of time. My heart really goes out to these guys. I almost --

Oh, what the hell. SUCK THAT, LOSERS!

Anyway, I've got to go now. As you can imagine, I've got a busy life. I'm expecting a very attractive man for lunch, and -- God, I didn't notice, but he's like twenty minutes late. Huh? Hasn't texted me, hasn't tweeted. He's not on Facebook. What the fuck?

Goddammit: some people are just jerks.

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