Monday, February 15, 2010

The more I hear about Andrew Young, John Edward's chief aide, the more fascinated I am. I mean, he started off as the right-hand man of a presidential candidate, yet somehow that job description morphed to "searching Mr. Edward's mistress' apartment for tapes of them fucking," then "making a fortune with a tell-all book about what a skeeze he is" and "fighting with the judicial system about handing over that tape."

Here's one of the best parts of that book:
. . . a number of videotapes, including one marked "special," which had the tape pulled out and seemed intentionally broken. . . . I couldn't resist. With scissors, a pen, and some scotch tape, I fixed the cassette. . . . As I pressed play, [my wife Cheri and I] saw an image of a man -- John Edwards -- and a naked pregnant woman, photographed from the navel down, engaged in a sexual encounter. The images were recorded with the somewhat steady assurance of a professional, and the senator's performance was ironically narcissistic. . . . As compromising images of a former presidential candidate and current contender for vice president flashed on the screen, Cheri and I dropped to the floor, and watched, speechless. . . . We debated turning it off, but neither of us could actually press the button. It was like watching a traffic pileup occur in slow motion -- it was repelling but also transfixing.
See what I mean? Every little detail just adds further questions. First, any idiot knows you don't mark porn videotapes "special." That's like writing "VALUABLES" on your box of valuables just before the moving men come. No, you write something incredibly boring on it, so nobody will give it a second glance. Mine are marked "Going to the Star Wars convention dressed as Jango Fett" and "Learning yodeling with Chester and Drew."

Second, how come my porn tapes never made anybody collapse to the floor?

And third, how do you make a sex tape that's not narcissistic? Repeatedly scream, "Oh, baby, take the annoying thrusts of my perfectly ordinary dick!"?

Maybe we can answer some of these questions if we reenact the scene. Cheri knows her husband Andrew is helping John Edwards in his run for the presidency. One day she greets him at the door when he comes home from work.

CHERI: Hi, honey! How was your day?

ANDREW: Extraordinary. Amazing. Unbelievable. When I first decided to get into politics, as a small boy on my father's knee, this was the kind of day I dreamed about.

CHERI: Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful! Did you help pass a bill that will aid the impoverished? Did you meet a political leader you hold in high esteem?

ANDREW: Not even close. I searched John's girlfriend's apartment and I found a broken tape of them fucking!

He shows her the videotape.

CHERI: Wait. You found a broken sex tape and you TOOK IT? What on EARTH were you thinking? You could -- hang on. If it's broken, how do you know it's a sex tape?

ANDREW: It's marked "Special." What, like it'll be highlights from The Jay Leno Show?

CHERI: Well, whatever it is, you stole somebody else's property, and that's not right. You could ruin a marriage, destroy a reputation, and publically humiliate a terminally-ill woman. You know what you have to do now, right?

ANDREW: Absolutely. Clearly. Indisputably. (PAUSE) You got any scotch tape?

CHERI: Andrew, I meant THROW THE THING AWAY. Get RID of it. Nobody on EARTH should see that tape.

ANDREW: Darling, think about it! The man was a presidential candidate. He might have ended up leading this great nation of ours. We're witnesses to one of the darkest moments in history, and I'm holding an actual physical manifestation of the stunning collapse of a man whose sociopathic immorality knows no rational bounds. It's like Kafka, Dostoyevsky, and Dickens all rolled up into one.

CHERI: Oh. Okay. (TWO MINUTES LATER) Holy cow, look at that dick.

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

With friends like that, who needs Republicans?

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