We've got Bernie Madoff, and we've got him good. The con man who stole more money than everyone else in the history of the world, added together, is getting what's coming to him as we speak! Smartly, the wise men in charge of this case have chosen to let him simmer in his own juices rather than just throw him right in jail. How humiliating it must be for him to see those fifty-million-dollar Picassos he bought with his tainted cash. How he must flinch when lowering himself into that two-million-dollar gold-plated hot tub financed by his evil deeds. How he must burn with shame knowing that the servants who bring him those multicourse dinners are paid with ill-gotten bucks.

I want to beg for mercy for the poor man, but I know I must resist. He deserves his fate, though I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone. Home detention is far, far worse than any jail in teaching a man the error of his ways. I know most of us would vastly prefer getting anally raped than having to face ourselves every morning in an eighteenth-century handcarved Chippendale mirror.

Poor Bernie made his bed and now he has to lie in it, doomed to reflect on the error of his ways and browbeat himself over the choices he's made.

Well, and hide a million dollars' worth of jewelry in mittens and send them to relatives.

Alas, his scheme was uncovered and the packages intercepted. Ha! The American justice system prevails again, catching some of his ill-gotten goods before they reached their intended targets. There is no mercy for poor Bernie! The man must be dying of embarrassment in his penthouse right now.