This afternoon Judge Ronald L. Ellis turned down prosecutors' request to
have Bernie Madoff's bail revoked. Since the press is offering few details on the subjects, let's imagine the way it must have gone.

PROSECUTION: Judge, the people of New York would like to petition the court to have Bernie Madoff's bail revoked.

DEFENSE: Your honor, jailing my client would be unfair. He is already being watched around the clock, plus he's posted ten million dollars in bail.

PROSECUTION: Mr. Madoff has stolen fifty BILLION dollars. That's like a man who stole five hundred dollars posting a dime.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: And a goddamn stolen dime!

JUDGE: Quiet in the courtroom! Mr. Prosecutor, if you want me to revoke Mr. Madoff's bail, you'll have to prove that he is either a flight risk or a security risk.

PROSECUTION: Judge, the man has stolen more money than anybody in the history of the world. You really think he's going to spend his final years in jail? Plus, look at that crazy smile. The man obviously thinks our judicial system is a joke.

DEFENSE: Objection! Mr. Madoff has always had a freaky smile.

Mr. Madoff smiles wanly. In the audience, men scream and women faint.

PROSECUTION: Your honor, last week Mr. Madoff attempted to transfer over a million dollars worth of jewelry to his family and friends, violating the terms of his bail. Clearly he doesn't believe that laws apply to him.

JUDGE: Well, I see your point, but the court needs to give this careful consideration. After all, when you can afford to hire the very best lawyers, you deserve a judge who'll give your case serious thought. (PAUSE) Mr. Madoff, do you promise not to send any more valuables to your friends and relatives via U. S. mail?

MADOFF (thinking): Lemme just get this clear. You haven't said anything about FedEx, DHL, or remote-controlled animals?

JUDGE: No, I haven't.

MADOFF: Your honor, I can live with that.

JUDGE (banging the gavel): The request is denied, and court is adjourned. (PAUSE) Let's get out of here: I just saw a rat run by wearing a tiara.