Thursday, November 13, 2008

An Open Letter to the Red States

Okay, folks -- I can't take it any more. I've kept the secret long enough, and the time has come for me to spill the beans.

We were lying to you. We totally pulled the wool over your eyes . . . and at times, we could barely keep a straight face. It seemed like you were on the verge of catching on, but somehow you never did.

Obama? He's a total commie. Always has been, and always will be. Not just a liberal. Not just leftist. A card-carrying, Lenin-quoting commie. In fact, judging from what I know about his political leanings, I'd be surprised if soldiers didn't turn up on your doorstep this afternoon to turn your place into Malia's dollhouse.

You had your suspicions, and now that it's too late to do anything about it I can confirm that you were absolutely right. You sensed it from his name and from the questionable characters he befriended, but you never got concrete proof. It took a vast liberal network, but we pulled it off. I've got to say I'm soooo proud of the media for keeping it under their hats. I'd like to thank the Los Angeles Times, who kept that film of Obama and PLO spokesman Rashid Khalidi from hitting YouTube. I'd like to congratulate Katie Couric, who "dealt with" a couple awkward Polaroids of Obama throwing a molotov cocktail at the Times Square Toys R Us. And I tip my hat to ABC, who kept news of the forthcoming "Extreme Makeover: Capitalist Pig Edition" out of all our TV Guides.

So, welcome to a brave new world. We're a classless society now. Of course, we took down names of all the people who supported our brave new regime, and all the people who worked for his opponent. Sadly, your name appears on the latter list, so you may suffer a bit.

While the rest of us are feasting on the fruits of our blue-collar labor, you'll be fed exactly one raw potato per day. While we're visiting America's best physicians, you've got to use the official State doctors, who regardless of your malady will inject you with xylocaine and cherry Sucrets. You know how you prayed for your daughter to find herself a nice Christian man? Next Tuesday she'll be unceremoniously deflowered by a sweaty, tobacco-scented Michael Moore. That same day, your son starts his new job trimming Alec Baldwin's pubes. And you know that Dodge Durango you're so proud of? It's been requisitioned to haul copies of Daddy's Got Two Boyfriends around the Barbra Streisand Re-Education Camp.

In the future, there's one thing you need to remember: Obama is in office because after eight years of the world's stupidest man running America, voters would have elected a potted plant. After four years of Karl Marx Jr. in the Oval Office, we'll be about even. So, adios, plasma TV! Goodbye, vacation house! And remember your retirement plan? Now it's assembling tiny Communist flags to proudly proclaim love of the Fatherland from our dirty martinis.

If you don't want a repeat of this episode, don't elect another idiot. Which means we don't ever want to see Sarah Palin again.

Whew. I feel a lot better getting this off my chest. Now go put on your uniform, or no potato for you.

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