Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I can't believe how stupid people used to be. Just a few hundred years ago, they used to believe in a whole bunch of gods. Polytheism, they called it. A whole bunch of gods, and every god had like one specific little purpose. There'd be, like, Xanther, in charge of keeping you healthy, and Dymetrios, tasked with protecting your house. At night when you'd pray you'd have to address each one of them individually, like Supernanny talking to kids.

It seems so wacky, and so superstitious. A whole bunch of gods. It'd be like driving to ten different shops instead of just going to the mall. What a pain in the ass. First, that's a pretty bizarre concept where gods are just good for one thing, like a supernatural Bob Vila. And second, aren't they going to get insulted? I mean, if you prayed to the God of Attractive Clothing first, and then the God of Productive Employment next, wouldn't the latter get insulted? "You want a nice culottes more than you want a job? Okay, buddy -- your wish is my command." But maybe they couldn't hear everything you said, since they weren't all-powerful. Maybe they only listened when you used their name, like my grandma or the dog.

Thank God we passed the Age of Enlightenment, and we realized how stupid we were. I mean, of course there's only one God! The other way just didn't make sense. Now praying is a whole lot easier, plus it's a walk in the park paying the guy off. Drop a ten in the collection plate and you're good for the week. The old way it was like off-track betting: you'd be like, "I want three bucks on Keeping the Car Running Good, two bucks on Longer and Lovelier Hair, and eight bucks on Finding A Dude Who Believes Mutual Orgasm is Achievable in Our Lifetime."

Smartest of all are the Mormons, where God even sends you a bill. That dude doesn't leave nothing to chance, which I guess is why he got the Big Job. You believe in him, you gotta fork over ten percent of everything you earn, no questions asked. No haggling, no arguing, no layaway. Still, with inflation, this dude isn't looking awfully smart. I mean, these days a waiter will chase you to your car for anything less than fifteen percent. But I guess it makes sense: God might be able to make your life better, but a waiter will make sure you get treated right the next time you drop by.

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

Plus, it's easier to beat someone to death, steal all their stuff and kill their children and then say "God said I could" when they can't pin you down with "Oh? Which god would that be?"

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