Friday, November 21, 2008

After years of debating philosophy, negotiating intimacy, and exploring personal and sexual boundaries in almost every forum of public opinion, I think I can speak for the entire gay community when I say that gay men today have evolved a finely-honed philosophy about sexuality that helps us maneuver today's moral and sexual minefields:

We don't have sex with anybody who'd have sex with us.

Now, on the surfaee this may seem simplistic, but this isn't your grandma's chastity. We've ventured to the dark side and back. We've had wanton, promiscuous sex, and we've realized that it's not worth it, for our physical or mental well-being. We've simply decided that we don't want to entrust our private regions to people who'd touch the private regions of strangers. We've decided that true self-respect comes from protecting and cherishing the only thing we have that has real worth: ourselves. Which means after that long, drunken night carousing, hitting up every gay bar in town and scrounging the dark corners for some sexy stranger, we keep our pants on and go home alone where we proudly say, "I really, truly love myself!" as we cry our horny asses to sleep.

Now, we're wise to the fakers. "Sorry," they tell us, "I don't sleep with strangers." "Please please please!" "Oh, okay, maybe just this once." Hah! That's not going to fool us again. It's only the guys who stick to their guns -- who refuse to sleep with us day in and day out, no matter how many Kenneth Cole briefcases we buy them or clothing-optional Palm Springs playgrounds we take them to -- that we'll agree to screw. After years of steadfast denials, we'll finally reach that point where we realize, Yes, this is truly a man who won't have sex with me! This is a man I can trust! And we'll write a note applauding his self-respect and offering ourselves in flesh and in spirit to him and we'll send it to him and his new boyfriend.

In short, I congratulate the gay community. I embrace the gay community, keeping my hands well above waist-level. And I say to the gay community, Bravo! Keep it up. You have nothing if you don't have self-respect, and from the way it's going my brothers and I will be holding our heads up proudly until our balls explode and we die.

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