There was the man they called “Bob the Builder,” who wore only a hard hat. There was the naked sunbather who remarked, “Nice day for it, isn’t it?” to a woman taking a walk. And there was the moment, Jules Perkins said, when the dizzying array of sexual forces that have somehow descended on her blameless Surrey village came together all at once, like a scene from a one-size-fits-all X-rated film.

“There were two blokes sitting side by side, watching a man and a woman having sex,” Ms. Perkins said, describing what happened as she strolled with her dog on the hill between her house and the Hog’s Back ridge. “Nearby, there were two men sunbathing together, wearing nothing but tight little white underpants.”

Later, she found a pink vibrator in the bushes.

“I gave it to the police,” she said. “They said, ‘What should we do with it?’ I said, ‘Put it in Lost Property.’"

When I read this article on public sex in Britain, I thought it was a joke. The local residents are reasonable! People are being tolerant! The police are "tread[ing] lightly" because of the "bitter legacy of the time when gay sex was illegal and closeted men having anonymous sex in places like public bathrooms were routinely arrested and humiliated."

“Honestly, it’s been going on for so many years,” said Jennifer Debenham, 71. “I think we should just let them get on with it.”

Are you kidding me? There are reasonable heterosexuals somewhere in the world? In this bizarre parallel universe, in fact, the gays come off as the villains, leaving vast swaths of litter in their wake.

Debris — used condoms, things made of rubber, pages torn from pornographic magazines, snack wrappers, discarded tea cups — littered the area.

Tea cups? Tea cups? That's an unfortunate image. Now I'm picturing pale naked British dudes doing it with their pinkies in the air. Still, leave it to the British to make public sex civil.

MAN #1: I say, Cecil, would you mind particularly if we incorporated a spot of urination into our coitus?

MAN #2: That sounds most enjoyable, Cyril. (PAUSE.) Wait: who's going to be mother?