Monday, January 4, 2010

Winners of the 2009 Stupid Awards

Uganda is a problematic little country. Forced labor, including child labor, is common, and there are reports of slavery. Female genital mutilation still occurs. Secret police routinely torture and kill dissidents, and shut down media outlets that dare complain about the government.

Naturally, when three American preachers were invited over for a conference on the "hidden and dark" gay agenda, they thought it'd be a great opportunity to spread the word of God. They were presented as experts on homosexuality, and they spoke to thousands of Ugandans, including police officers, teachers and politicians.

They talked about how gays can be made straight, how gay men often sodomize teenage boys and how “the gay movement is an evil institution” whose goal is “to defeat the marriage-based society and replace it with a culture of sexual promiscuity.”

Afterwards, a bill was introduced that would sentence homosexuals to death, and these speakers backpedaled as fast as they could. They were confused. Duped! Tricked! Why -- well, according to the stories they've told, it must have gone something like this.

As the last speaker leaves the dais, the Ugandans heartily shake the Americans' hands. "We hope we've given you good ideas on how to fight the gay agenda," says Scott Lively, anti-gay missionary and author of “7 Steps to Recruit-Proof Your Child."

"Oh, absolutely," replies President Yoweri Museveni. "We're going to start killing them."

"Wait," says Don Schmierer, a board member of Exodus International. "We didn't say you should kill them: just hate them, and maybe beat them up once in a while."

"We figure we might as well get rid of the problem," says Vice President Gilbert Bukenya. "You've told us that they recruit our children, but if they're all dead we'll end it once and for all.

"You don't have to do that," says Caleb Lee Brundidge, a self-described ex-gay who leads “healing seminars." "You can convert them to fruitful heterosexual lives with prayer and electroshock therapy."

"We don't have the time," says the President. "And hey, microwave ovens blow out our power grid. We'll just hang them instead."

"Okay," says Mr. Schmierer, shrugging his shoulders. "Hey, I think I hear our limo."

The three American preachers flee the scene, immediately realizing they're in trouble. "We just wanted to spread the word of God that some people were really horrible and shouldn't be tolerated," says Mr. Lively. "How did we know they were going to start killing them?"

"Sure, we said homos preyed on children and destroyed the fabric of society, but we didn't tell them to be mean," says Mr. Brundidge.

"I didn't even know the conference was going to be about gay people," Mr. Schmierer claims. "I went to teach the tenets of modern dance."

On the plane home, after three tiny vodkas, they admit their motivations. "Nobody's ever heard of me," Mr. Lively says. "I just wanted a little fame."

"I needed new meat for my $8,000 conversion seminars," says Mr. Brundidge.

"I just went for a safari," Mr. Schmierer says. "I saw three white rhinos and a bear."

But in the privacy of their own homes, their true feelings come out. "Please help me, God," Mr. Lively says, his face awash in tears. "I didn't want them to hurt the gays. I just wanted somebody to slap the smug off Anderson Cooper's face."

"I'm sorry, Jesus," a weeping Mr. Brundidge says. "I didn't think they'd start killing people. I just wanted to keep Adam Lambert off Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve."

"Woohoo!" shouts Mr. Schmierer, kissing his paycheck. "Baby's gonna get new shoes!"

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