Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Call me crazy, but I'm absolutely thrilled this Scott Brown guy has been elected senator. I mean, we gave change a try. We let Democrats rule. And after a year they couldn't decide if they wanted muffins or donuts served at break time, so I'm more than ready to say, "Hey, get those bitch-asses out of town and let's put some men in charge!"

I know a lot of gay people disagree. They see disaster on the horizon. They say now the Republicans will filibuster when ENDA comes up, or when DADT repeal comes up, or when DOMA repeal comes up, and we won't make any progress on equal rights.

But I say, uh, have you listened to Obama? Reagan used the word "gay" more often, though usually he was describing a cheery song, or bonnet. Obama had our rights scheduled for his fifth term, right after mandating August 14 as National Artichoke Day. Sorry, no time! He's got golfing, and then he's going to lean against a wall near the high school and look at girls while he smokes. In sitcom terms, our issues were going to be addressed right after Fonzie surfboarded over the great white shark.

Now, I'm not saying we should be ashamed we voted for Obama. He talked a good game, and we bought it. He was like a Cosmo centerfold. He was laying there, one hand modestly shielding his equipment and the other holding a Camel, and that look in his eyes said, "Hey, babe, I got just what you need."

Whenever anybody got near him, though, he'd jump up and say, "Hey, it's cold in here!" and he'd scurry for his clothes.

We tried, but he couldn't deliver the goods. And now we're sliding back to a time when we settled for the best we could get. When we voted for the asshole who at least looked good.

I was twelve when Cosmo printed that picture of Scott, and I loved my copy more than my sousaphone. I mooned over it for months, and then when the Burt Reynolds issue came out, I carefully cut out Scott and set him on top of Burt. Burt was coy and funny. Scott wouldn't take no for an answer. They'd start off talking about the Smokey and the Bandit films, then Scott would force his desires on the easygoing actor. Burt would protest, saying, "Hey, buddy, let's take this slow!" but Scott was merciless. He'd just guffaw whenever Burt's Stetson fell off.

It's weird. The Republicans were absolutely convinced of Obama's prowess. They were sure he'd force his bizarre agenda on us like my imaginary Scott did on Burt. "He'll make gay marriage MANDATORY!" they screamed. "He'll kill all the old people! He'll put pornographic films on primetime TV!" Naturally all us Democrats were, like, YEAH! That would be sooo cool.

Instead he said he was too busy. We turned on the TV and got a drink.

Despite what people say, there's a difference between our two political parties. Democrats proclaim all the change they're going to make, but after they take office they just lay there. Republicans are the opposite: they say they're not going to do anything drastic, and once they're in power all hell breaks loose. They take charge. They assume control. They hang on tight and won't even let the Constitution stop them from fulfilling their wants and desires.

That's cool with me. We tried Hope. We tried Change. We'll settle for Action. I'm sliding Paper Scott onto Paper Barack as we speak.

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