Monday, January 18, 2010

Dr. James Dobson saw a need: parents weren't sure how to raise their kids. And so he founded Focus on the Family. And thank God, because otherwise people might have compromised on their values and stopped smacking those brats.

Forty-something years later, though, Dr. Dobson has announced he's leaving Focus on the Family to form a competing organization. Needless to say, it's causing an uproar among the homeschooling scrapbooker set. It's not fair! It's not nice! It isn't Christian! It's like the founder of Doctors Without Borders starting a group called Way Better Physicians Who'll Even Fly Delta. With the recession, Focus on the Family has already seen a huge dropoff in charitable contributions, and now they've got a competitor. Adios job security for homophobes!

Dr. Dobson didn't offer an motive, which has America's nacho-eating quilters bubbling over with guesses. The most popular concerns Dr. Dobson's son Ryan, who markets himself as a hip preacher to teens by adding references to surfing and tattoos to his lectures and by titling his books 2 Die 4 and 2 Live 4, making young people think maybe they were co-written by Prince. Apparently an anonymous Focus board member said that because Ryan Dobson has been divorced, it would be contrary to their beliefs for him to head Focus, a group that tells people how to have a successful Christian marriage.

Yes, Ryan's divorced, though his bio somehow omits the fact. In 2001, at the age of 31. I'm thinking the last thing his ex-wife told him may have been along these lines: "Ryan, you're THIRTY-ONE. Could you please stop describing everything as rad?"

So, Dr. Dobson's dynasty is quashed, which means he's leaving an organization he founded because they're steadfastedly sticking to his beliefs. Well, that's okay: Ryan and Dad still have a couple principles left. They're still anti-abortion and anti-gay. Considering Dr. Dobson broke this news via Facebook, I'm thinking he's probably also rad.

Despite the forthcoming hit to their pocketbook, Focus on the Family is steadfastly moving forward. They're forking out $2.7 million -- roughly enough to support everyone in Haiti for a year -- on a commercial to air during the Superbowl. Its message will surely hit mid-America where it counts.

Tim Tebow is allegedly a famous football player. When his mother Pam was spreading God's word in the Philippines, she simultaneously got pregnant and contracted amoebic dysentery. Her doctor told her that the medicine she was taking would hurt the fetus, and he suggested she abort it. She refused, and twenty years later that same fetus went back to the Philippines and punched that doctor in the chops!

Well, that's what'll happen when it becomes a Sandra Bullock film.

No, that fetus grew up to throw pig parts across expansive grassy surfaces. Which we know, in our heart of hearts, is really what counts. I mean, just think: if she'd aborted that kid, Florida State would have a shot at the title! A different cranky white coach would get doused in Gatorade! And rather than marrying up, some buxom young cheerleader would have to ask her dad for plastic surgery money!

No, Pam saved a great football player. Just that one little Christian act, and now she's got a gingham American Express card just for stuff she buys on the Home Shopping Club.

Sigh. If that doesn't make you want to have sex with a missionary, nothing will.

Coincidentally, on the cover of this week's People magazine, there's Sarah Palin blaring, "I'M SURE GLAD I SAVED OUR LITTLE DOWN-SYNDROME KID!"

Coincidentally. Yes, two white women saying exactly the same thing at the exact same time.

I hope Americans are smart enough to ignore this entitled pair, despite the fact they're also football fans. Yes, maybe these women made decisions that were right for them . . . but they also probably own fur-lined boots with a kicky tomahawk motif. And what makes them think these decisions will work for everyone? I mean, you don't see me saying, "Hey, I found a really hot boyfriend, and you can too!" because I respect other people, and I respect our differences.

Because not everyone is handsome. Not everyone is charming. And not everyone can hide in a bush in a crouched position until nearly three a.m.

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