It has come to my attention that you're feuding with a prominent periodical that serves the gay community. Out magazine called you for an interview, and you didn't come running when they called. Now they've published an open letter to you detailing their pique, and you're acting like you're incredibly busy and have better things to do.
Brother, that's the last mistake you want to make.
Make no mistake about this: the gay community is entirely responsible for your success. When all our straight friends were watching American Idol and saying how incredibly talented you are, we were standing there going, "I know!" Sure, an adolescence spent perfecting your talent helped, but you'd still be at a supper club in Bag O' Pretzels, Wyoming without the support of your gay fans, many of whom voted for you on American Idol literally dozens of time if we didn't Tivo it.
Sure, you've never been in the closet. Sure, the second American Idol ended you declared unequivocally that you were out and proud. You've been photographed making out with a boyfriend, and you don't give a damn who knows. But when a gay magazine that's available at several newsstands in a few major American cities calls you and you claim scheduling conflicts, we can't help but ask the question: Exactly how "out and proud" are you? And the answer comes back way too fast.
You haven't dated Lance Bass.
You haven't adopted a Romanian baby.
You haven't hosted the Tonys.
Would it kill you to duet with Elton John?
Buddy, maybe you were blithely unaware, so I'll spell it out for you: when a homosexual magazine with dozens of semi-faithful readers calls, you jump. These people are the Gay Media Elite. You literally could not put on a Hamptons tea dance without them. Yet you spit in their faces and let yourself be photographed by magazines that heterosexuals read.
You run straight to Details, and Rolling Stone -- magazines read by people who don't even own ostrich-skin belts -- and you're photographed cavorting with naked women!
So much for gay and proud, we think. So much for showing solidarity with the guys who get nauseous at the thought of tuna boob.
Still, Adam, I'm happy to say that with a minor attitude adjustment, you can return to the gay fold. Before you sing a song, before you color your hair, before you call Edible Arrangements for a bouquet of decorative fruit, think about how your gay fans will react. Concentrate on re-establishing our trust. Because if you want your face on another undersized free periodical with classified ads by masseurs that include their penis measurements, you're going to have to do a few things.
You need to cover a couple Judy songs.
You need to cavort on a beach with Ricky Martin.
You need to turn up at our dances even before the amyl does.
Because we're the ones who are going to buy your records.
Well, maybe the next one, at least. Girlfriend, that debut looks waaay too gay.
Sincerely,
RomanHans
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