I am sincerely very, very sorry for beating up that gay man. I was minding my own business, sitting on a bar stool, and he came up next to me and kept on touching me. I warned him several times to back off, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Finally, after he groped my genital area, I snapped. Even though he's small and I'm huge, I genuinely felt afraid for my life, so I did what I had to do.

And I am really very sorry for assaulting that Greek priest. He was wearing a robe and sandals and I'm a Marine but he still had me fearful for my life. I was minding my own business when he came up and shouted "Allahu Akbar," which is what Muslims yell before they blow you up, and then he tried to touch my penis. So I had no choice but to chase him down the street and hit him with a tire iron.

And I am very sorry for beating up that old Hawaiian man. He was wearing a loose grass skirt, which made me think he was hiding a weapon. And then he did the hula, where every movement tells a story, and the story he was telling started out "I want to touch your penis," so I hit him repeatedly with a coconut.

I am also sorry for hurting that old Jewish lady, but she called me "bubelah," which is Jewish for "I am going to make you eat knishes until your stomach explodes!" And then she grabbed my cheek really hard and squeezed it, which made me think she was going to grab my penis next and cause it physical harm. So I smothered her with a potato latke.

Last, I regret killing my lawyer, but after he got me acquitted of all these charges he tried to high-five me, and that made me think he was going to grab my penis next.

I now kneel before the court and beg your forgiveness, but I gotta warn you guys, if anybody gets a groin within half a mile of me, well, you know what's up.