I hate people who have children. I mean, there are just so many intelligent people in the world, and to lose them forever to some passing sexual impulse just frustrates the hell out of me.

Honestly, it makes me question our whole system of government. Why is it illegal to ride a motorcycle without a helmet but fucking without a condom is fine? Because personally I'd rather be a dead biker than an ex-hipster with a baby named Douglas. I'd rather my friends remember what a godforsaken hellraiser I was than watch them avert their eyes when they see me pushing a big purple stroller at the mall. "Hey, Roman," they'd say, trying to pretend they're not horrified. "How's it going?"

"Good!" I'd reply. "This morning we read a story about Betsy Badger, and then -- who's gotta take a tinkle? Who's gotta take a tinkle?"

Because really, what is parenthood if not brain death? Even scientists agree on that score. Why do you think they kept Terri Schiavo alive for so long? Even in a coma her brainwaves were barely distinguishable from those of a soccer mom. Before children, people have ambitions, and dreams. They have goals they aim for, and schedules to follow to reach those goals.

Then a snotty little brat shows up and it all goes flying out the window. Now instead of cooking up multicourse Indian dinners, they're pushing boiled carrots through a sieve. Now instead of taking a taxi to DKNY to look at business attire, they're bulk-buying sweats at kmart.com. Now instead of trying to stay interesting to a demanding audience of friends, they're entertaining something that squeals with delight every time you flush the toilet.

And, making it even more ridiculous, they act like their lives have taken such a wonderful turn. They're found meaning! They're fulfilled! Well, duh. I'll bet it's a relief never having to strive for anything again. But me, I'm going to stay strong while my weaker friends fall by the wayside. I'm going to stubbornly cling to my dream, knowing that it'll require a lot of work, and determination, and focus, and when it's finally in my grasp it'll be all that much sweeter with the knowledge that Alec Baldwin rarely lets anybody jerk off on his ass.