President Obama's administration today confirmed what many analysts had long suspected. "We're no longer going to arrest or prosecute rich people for crime," spokesman Roger Fielding announced.

"In the last few years, the government suffered too many setbacks, and we paid too high a price. Now with this fiscal crisis, we simply can't afford to fight the high-powered attorneys of the fabulously wealthy and maintain the standard of living we're accustomed to. We spent thirty million dollars trying to put Robert Blake in jail, and now we can't afford to collect trash in East L. A. We spent a hundred-eighty million on O. J. and had to close three senior centers in Wichita. We've only got so much money, and now we have to pick and choose what we can afford. Which would you rather see: P. Diddy jailed for firing a gun in a nightclub, or after-school basketball in Phoenix?"

Mr. Fielding confirmed that this was an egregious double standard. "Unfortunately, we can put a poor man in prison for peanuts these days. Any competent prosecutor can talk circles around a court-appointed defense attorney any day of the week -- and that's assuming the defense attorney shows up. Then, after they're found guilty, we throw them in a cell with eighty other guys and feed them Oscar Meyer bologna three times a day. How expensive is that? Chicken feed. We get a big return for very little cost.

"The rich, though, hire competent attorneys. They drag out their trials for years, if not decades, and burn through what little revenue the government has. Then, on the off chance they're actually found guilty of something, their lawyers demand that we put them in special jails. The costs are exorbitant, and that's assuming we just give them a part-time butler and a golf outing once a week."

When this journalist asked if this meant the rich would get a free ride, Mr. Fielding vehemently disagreed. "We'll still accuse rich people of crime: we just won't back it up with any action. But this, we maintain, is enough. See, when a poor man is arrested, his reputation actually improves. He gains 'street cred' and the approval of his peers. We have to actually, physically punish him to prove to him that breaking the law is a negative thing.

"With a rich man, though, his reputation is destroyed, and that's punishment enough. Because what brain-dead idiot would hire Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, or Alex Rodriguez now? How stupid would you have to be to invest with Bernie Madoff? What kind of suicidal nut would date Phil Spector? We'll accuse them of a crime, sensible people will shun them, and we can all sleep easy knowing we've done the right thing."

Reporting from Washington, this has been special correspondent Rod Blagojevich for Fox News.