I'm Not Sleeping When I'm Dead

There's a saying I really hate: "I'll sleep when I'm dead." This isn't even remotely true, and it reminds me how these sayings are repeated when they're not true, like "Feed a cold, starve a fever," "Soup is good food," and "There are WMDs in Iraq."

You don't sleep when you're dead: you're dead. Being dead is nowhere near as good as being asleep. Why, I can think of five big differences just off the top of my head.

1. When you're dead, you don't wake up occasionally to hear the wind whipping around outside and think, Gosh, it sure is swell being inside and dead.

2. When you're dead, you don't blissfully dream about chasing a chicken around Manhattan in a big foil car.

3. After you've been dead a reasonable time, you don't wake up and head to Starbucks for a cup of coffee and a muffin.

4. When you're dead, there isn't a snooze alarm that lets you be dead for nine minutes more.

5. When you're dead, your boyfriend won't jump on top of you and shake you until you move, and then make you --

Well, okay -- there are four big differences. I'd think of another, but I am getting sooo little sleep.