The Perils of Chinese Toys

I was absolutely horrified to hear about Aqua Dots, the new children's toy that, when swallowed, releases a date-rape drug in the stomach.

I read the story over and over, hardly able to believe my eyes. How can this kind of thing happen? I wondered. How come kids get all the cool drugs? I mean, it's not like they've got discos to go to, or strung-out boyfriends to entertain. Times have certainly changed. When I was a kid, I swallowed everything from Legos to sand and never got anything more than bloat.

I immediately ran to the local toy store and grabbed a package of Dots before they were yanked from the shelves. That night I popped them like Skittles. When I woke up, I was wearing chaps and a kerchief, and there were flowers on the piano from Liza Minnelli.

Anyway, if you've got some of these things in the house, throw them out immediately. They may look like fun, but they're poison -- and the package doesn't print a recommended dose. They totally messed up my short-term memory. In fact, I'd have forgotten the whole incident but this morning I pooed a unicorn.