"Several of our members watched the program," said Dr. Murray Klosterman, chair of UCLA's Department of Physical Relativism, "and we all had the same response. First we checked our TV guides. Then we checked our online cable guides. And eventually we all came to the same conclusion: how could a seemingly-infinite television program have both a start and finish time?"
Dr. Klosterman said he performed many informal tests the night the program aired, each indicating to him that relativity -- the cornerstone of modern physics -- couldn't possibly be correct. "When Maria was singing about her favorite things, I put our children to bed. Then I made a cup of hot cocoa, took the dog for a walk, and did four loads of laundry. When I went back to the living room the fire was out but Maria hadn't even mentioned copper kettles yet!"
Dr. Klosterman tried to simplify the conundrum to readers without advanced degrees. "For years the theory of relativity has been easily expressed by a simile," he said. "Say there is an airplane moving at the speed of light. In one of the windows is a man holding a clock. If you're on earth, the light waves from the clock will never reach you, so it will appear that on the plane time is standing still."
"But now that postulation is thrown out of the water," he added ominously, "because a stopped clock on an airplane is like the Daytona 500 compared to 'The Sound of Music Live!'"
He paused while this reporter tried to grasp the implications. "Many new questions have been raised." he continued. "In terms of Galileo's laws, are bad musicals more powerful than mass or energy? Or is gravity itself relative, becoming stronger when one loses one's will to live?" His face glowered in the harsh fluorescent light. "And then there's one question we refuse to even ask ourselves," he whispered. "If someone on that airplane were showing a video of 'The Sound of Music Live!' what would someone on earth see?"
"Clearly," he added, "Einstein would have shot himself if he'd known about Carrie Underwood."
Still, Dr. Klosterman noted, the misfire TV revival may not inspire much change in the immediate future. "As much as I hate to admit it, perhaps it's best we ignore these questions. The program is over and gone, so perhaps we should let sleeping dogs lie."
When told the program was released today on DVD, Dr. Klosterman scoffed. "Oh, c'mon," he replied. "One DVD? The entire program? Now you're just fucking with me."
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