Monday, December 30, 2013

Rejected Newlywed Game Questions

Goshdarnit. I just got a rejection notice from The Newlywed Game. I really thought I had a shot at freelance writing for them. I mean, their questions masterfully ride that fine line between coy and crass, and I was pretty sure my sample questions followed suit.

If your husband made whoopee with a library's alphabetical card catalog, would his manhood:

(a) barely bother Elizabeth Barrett Browning
(a) handily harass Gerard Manley Hopkins, or
(a) visibly vex Voltaire?

Let's pretend your husband is a lawyer in the bedroom. What Latin phrase would he use to describe your bewigged jurisprudence?

(a) Modus ope-randy, or
(b) Non compos -- needs Mentos!
(c) In flagranti delicious?

For the wives: complete the following sentence. "The first time I saw my husband's penis, I nearly called a doctor. I was 99% sure he had --"

(a) en-stiff-alitis
(b) limp-phoma, or
(c) pole-io

If what you yelled on your wedding night was a disease, would you have a bad case of

(a) Whoopee! cough
(b) Hey! fever, or
(c) Dang!-grene?

If you and your husband had a "Facts of Life" night of love, would he rather:

(a) pop in at Mrs. Garrett's
(b) get a Blair job, or
(c) shoot on your Tooties?

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