Tuesday, December 31, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

You asked and we answered! Restless Rhino Records is proud to announce a brand new collection of Nina Simone's dreariest hits. This special release will be available only in 2014, and features such heart-flattening tunes as:

  • Why? (The King of Love Is Dead)
  • My Sweet Lord/Today Is a Killer
  • Go To Hell
  • I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free
  • Why Must Your Love Well Be so Dry
  • Nobody Knows You When You're Down
  • Either Way I Lose
  • Don't Explain
  • Save Me
  • Isn't It A Pity?
  • Ain't No Use

That's a whole lot of music for manic depression, yours for just $19. But wait! There's more! Pry open those swollen eyes to get a gander at these sad-sack songs:

  • If I Should Lose You
  • He Ain't Comin' Home No More
  • Take My Hand Precious Lord
  • Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
  • How Long Must I Wonder
  • Who Am I?
  • The Desperate Ones
  • In Love in Vain
  • The Other Woman
  • I Can't See Nobody
  • Ain't Got No
  • Mississippi Goddam

Sounds great, right? BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! We've also included a special CD of the Sad-Sack Songbird's somberest ditties about drugs, getting old, a lack of traffic, and rapidly-changing atmospheric conditions.

  • The Pusher
  • Who Knows Where The Time Goes
  • Lonesome Cities
  • Everyone's Gone to the Moon
  • The House of the Rising Sun
  • I Think It's Going to Rain Today

And you can have ALL that for just -- wait!!! WE'RE STILL NOT DONE!!! If you act by midnight tonight, we'll throw in the Down-In-The-Dumps Diva's dreariest love songs:

  • The Human Touch
  • Do What You Gotta Do
  • Don't Take All Night
  • Consummation
  • Don't Smoke In Bed
  • Love Me Or Leave Me
  • My Man's Gone Now
  • You Took My Teeth

Sadly, this amazing talent has been lost forever. The bitter balladeer's fans can only dream about the violin-tinged tunes she'd compose about recycling, or Sea World, or Spotify. Still, you'll find yourself playing these songs over and over, like when you throw a party and your guests won't go home, or when you're going to a funeral and you want it to look like you care.

Don't ask your local retailer for this collection: instead, find it in the stacks and take it up to the counter while frantically yelling, "YOU'VE GOT TO SELL THIS TO ME NOW!!!"


Yet Another Steve said...

Bah. Nye kulturny! Listen to her "Pirate Jenny" and it will make you poop in your pants from fright.

RomanHans said...

Hey, I adore her. She's up there with the Taj Mahal in terms of World Wonder. And every year I put on one of her records, only to stick my head in the oven before the third song starts. Like they say, she runs the gamut of emotion from A to B, and if somebody could put together, say, "Upbeat Nina Simone," "Mellow Nina Simone," or "Harmless Fun with Nina Simone," I'd give them a foot massage every day of their life.