Tuesday, December 31, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor


You asked and we answered! Restless Rhino Records is proud to announce a brand new collection of Nina Simone's dreariest hits. This special release will be available only in 2014, and features such heart-flattening tunes as:

  • Why? (The King of Love Is Dead)
  • My Sweet Lord/Today Is a Killer
  • Go To Hell
  • I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free
  • Why Must Your Love Well Be so Dry
  • Nobody Knows You When You're Down
  • Either Way I Lose
  • Don't Explain
  • Save Me
  • Isn't It A Pity?
  • Ain't No Use

That's a whole lot of music for manic depression, yours for just $19. But wait! There's more! Pry open those swollen eyes to get a gander at these sad-sack songs:

  • If I Should Lose You
  • He Ain't Comin' Home No More
  • Take My Hand Precious Lord
  • Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
  • How Long Must I Wonder
  • Who Am I?
  • The Desperate Ones
  • In Love in Vain
  • The Other Woman
  • I Can't See Nobody
  • Ain't Got No
  • Mississippi Goddam

Sounds great, right? BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! We've also included a special CD of the Sad-Sack Songbird's somberest ditties about drugs, getting old, a lack of traffic, and rapidly-changing atmospheric conditions.

  • The Pusher
  • Who Knows Where The Time Goes
  • Lonesome Cities
  • Everyone's Gone to the Moon
  • The House of the Rising Sun
  • I Think It's Going to Rain Today

And you can have ALL that for just -- wait!!! WE'RE STILL NOT DONE!!! If you act by midnight tonight, we'll throw in the Down-In-The-Dumps Diva's dreariest love songs:

  • The Human Touch
  • Do What You Gotta Do
  • Don't Take All Night
  • Consummation
  • Don't Smoke In Bed
  • Love Me Or Leave Me
  • My Man's Gone Now
  • You Took My Teeth

Sadly, this amazing talent has been lost forever. The bitter balladeer's fans can only dream about the violin-tinged tunes she'd compose about recycling, or Sea World, or Spotify. Still, you'll find yourself playing these songs over and over, like when you throw a party and your guests won't go home, or when you're going to a funeral and you want it to look like you care.

Don't ask your local retailer for this collection: instead, find it in the stacks and take it up to the counter while frantically yelling, "YOU'VE GOT TO SELL THIS TO ME NOW!!!"

2 comments:

Yet Another Steve said...

Bah. Nye kulturny! Listen to her "Pirate Jenny" and it will make you poop in your pants from fright.

RomanHans said...

Hey, I adore her. She's up there with the Taj Mahal in terms of World Wonder. And every year I put on one of her records, only to stick my head in the oven before the third song starts. Like they say, she runs the gamut of emotion from A to B, and if somebody could put together, say, "Upbeat Nina Simone," "Mellow Nina Simone," or "Harmless Fun with Nina Simone," I'd give them a foot massage every day of their life.

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