"It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical." -- Phil Robertson, star of Duck Dynasty and Tea Party hero, speaking to GQ Magazine

"Logical." Yes, sex is all about being "logical." That's why Anna Nicole Smith couldn't find a boyfriend. That's why all those insane "Real Housewives" are single. That's why nobody will fuck Miley Cyrus. Poor things have to dress like tramps to try to attract guys. Nobody will have sex with them. "It's just not logical," men say, though maybe that's just if they're Vulcan.

If we're going for logic, we should all fuck watermelons. They don't get pregnant, and you can eat them afterward.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right."

All the other sins just "morph out" from homosexuality? Oh, puh-LEEZE. Like heterosexuality doesn't "morph." As teenagers, dudes start off begging chicks to go to "third base" and by the time they hit thirty they're snorting coke off Nigella Lawson's ass.

And really, just male prostitutes? Like female prostitutes are cool, but the dudes -- they always use your Kiehls.

Still, I think we can learn a lesson here. Maybe GQ shouldn't take ethics lessons from a huckster whose company received an "F" from the Better Business Bureau. And maybe we shouldn't listen to a lecture on deception from an idiot who spends most of his life standing in a pond pretending he's a duck.