"Dear Roman," it read. "I always suspected that gay men were unfairly targeted for arrest, but a recent incident just takes the cake. Some police officer, while he was on duty, fucked a woman on the hood of her car. Surveillance video filmed it, and now it's all over the internet. Still, the dude wasn't arrested. What the fuck is up with that? Roman, how come gay men are thrown in jail for looking at each other cross-eyed while a straight guy with a badge, carrying a loaded gun, can fuck a woman outdoors in broad daylight and get away scot-free?"
I put down my hot dog but I couldn't lower my pique quite as easily. What an angry man! I thought. I mean, did he honestly think America would allow that kind of double standard? Did he totally miss the logical explanation?
Armed with just a little knowledge of the law, we can see that our system of justice works perfectly.
The letter writer is, of course, alluding to New Mexico police officer Bert Lopez. He was driving around in his patrol car, I guess, when he saw some woman make a traffic infraction. He was all, like, "Can you pull out your driver's license for me?" and she was probably like, "Only if you pull out something for me!" Next thing you know she's getting fucked and pistol-whipped at the same time. Officer Lopez's penis is out and the unnamed woman's pants are around her ankles, but New Mexico State Police spokesman Sgt. Tim Johnson says the situation is "embarrassing" but not illegal.
"Whaaa?" scream some of you cynical types. "Why isn't it illegal? Is it because he's wearing a uniform, or because he's got a dog to keep watch?"
Neither, of course. There's a perfectly logical explanation.
Gay men are generally arrested for public lewdness, which requires two conditions. First, you have to be lewd, and second, you have to be in public. Somebody has to witness your lewdness, and be offended too.
"Well, then," you chirp, "how can men be arrested for public lewdness in dirty bookstores? Nobody's going to be offended there."
Au contraire! Say the police are passing a dirty bookstore, and they decide to drop in and say hi. If they see penises, they could easily get offended and arrest everybody inside.
When Officer Lopez fucked that woman, though, it's possible nobody was around to be offended. See, he told this woman to follow him to a secluded park. Once there, maybe he saw some gay men with their penises out. He and the woman would naturally have been horrified, so he'd arrest them and send them off to jail.
And now that there was nobody around to be offended, Officer Lopez knew he could fuck the woman in broad daylight and everybody would live happily ever after.
And that's why gay men are arrested for public lewdness and straight policemen aren't.
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