I never really cared about Oprah protégé Dr. Mehmet Oz before, but now I'm his biggest fan. He's the M. D. equivalent of Entertainment Tonight, except instead of saying who looked like a whore on the red carpet he's going to tell you what fruit juice could kill your kids. Hey, I have a hard time tuning out ET when they promise an upcoming Marg Helgenberger story, and I don't know who the fuck she is.

I don't know why doctors haven't thought of this before. If they can make a small fortune peddling health care one-on-one, can't they make a huge one by selling it to the masses? On Tuesday's TV commercials he could easily have come out and said, "Don't drink apple juice!", but he didn't. He said, "Something is very dangerous. Tune in to find out what!" Clearly Dr. Oz isn't sharing his vital health-care information unless you foot the bill. You've got to watch an hour of his TV show, including eighty-four commercials where an animated bear has toilet paper stuck to its ass.

If public health professionals can do it, I think everybody can. Imagine a judge refusing to render his decision until somebody buys $400 worth of World's Finest Chocolate bars. Congress can refuse to vote on something unless eight million people subscribe to Grit. Even priests can get in on the action. "Of course I'll give you communion," they'll say. "But first, who likes my little black dress?"

Anyway, I look forward to more of Dr. Oz in the future. In fact, I hope one day I can afford to be a patient of his, because that's got to be amazing.

DR. OZ: I'm very sorry to say this, but the tests have come back positive. There's something horribly wrong with you.

ME: No. NO! Dr. Oz, what is it?

DR. OZ: You've got . . . to wait 'til I get back from lunch!